Nonfiction

History’s Greatest Chumps: All of the Chumps

30 November 2013

Over a year of writing libellous things about historical figures, a columnist learns a number of things that, for one reason or another, he just cannot find space to mention. It doesn’t seem to matter now, so, the following people are chumps.

Pyrrhus

One of the best-regarded generals of the ancient world was fighting in the streets of Argos one day (as you do) and was suddenly killed… by an old woman who threw a tile at his head from a high window. How valiant.

Easter Islanders (The Rapa Nui)

“Hey guys let’s spend all our resources, time and energy on building giant stone heads!”

“Yeah, because eating is for chumps!”

Everyone dies due to civil war/famine/aliens/some other horrible shit.

Christopher Columbus

“Oh man, Chris! Well done on discovering that new continent!”

“New continent?”

“You know, that America place.”

“Nah dude, I’m pretty sure it’s just Asia.”

“But it’s, like, completely different?”

“Yeah… Nah…”

William Bligh

An excellent seaman (don’t you dare) and decent bloke by all accounts, but you wouldn’t trust him to captain an Auskick team, let alone a ship—his crews mutinied him on three separate occasions and he was deposed from his position of Governor of New South Wales in Australia’s first and only military coup. A military coup. In Australia. That’s no mean feat. And what did he do to provoke it? He tried to stop soldiers from making and selling rum on the sly. He tried to stop Australian soldiers from drinking alcohol. Behold the visage of Chumpiness itself, and despair.

Andrew Johnson

How to be a chump:

1. Get sworn in as Vice President of the USA. Give a rambling and drunken speech. Humiliate yourself so severely that you are forced to retreat from the public eye.

2. Six weeks later, manage to not get assassinated when the President (preferably but not necessarily Abraham Lincoln) does. Works best if your would-be assassin gets too wasted to stand up straight—let alone shoot a politician—on the intended night of the plot. Ascend to the presidency.

3. Say something like, “So, hey, look, I know we just freed the slaves and all but I really don’t want black people to be able to vote or be citizens or anything.”

4. Be the first President of the United States to ever be impeached, simply for being a racist douchebag. Never repent.

The victims of the Boston Molasses Disaster

In 1919, 21 Bostonians were killed and 150 were injured when a large storage tank full of molasses burst, sending a huge wave of sticky fluid rising through the streets at approximately 56 km/hr. Here’s a tip: when a giant wave of molasses comes your way, don’t drown in it. Just don’t. It’s pretty simple, guys! “Oh, look, there’s a whole bunch of syrup coming towards me, I guess I’ll just keep standing here.” NO. No.

(See also: the London Beer Flood of 1814.)

The people responsible for introducing the Cane Toad into Australia

Yes, because introducing foreign species into Australia’s delicate ecosystems has always worked SO WELL in the past. For fuck’s sake.

The people responsible for defending Singapore in World War II

Stupid British twit: “Hohoho those Japs will never conquer Singapore!”

Moronic British waste of space: “Just imagine—Asians beating Europeans! Ohohoho!”

Singapore is easily conquered by the Japanese and everyone dies.

Dolphins

Dolphins are the most evil animals on the planet including humans and that is really saying something. Everyone’s all “Omg it’s Flipper so cute and smart omg” when really all they want to do is take you down to their undersea rape grotto and have their way with your water-logged corpse. Seriously, fuck dolphins. Fuck them before they fuck you.

Tony Abbott

Enough said. 


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