Coffee Sucks

19 August 2015

“Do you want to grab a coffee?” Anyone past their first semester will realise that this phrase, frequently heard around campus, does not really mean “Would you like to partake in a caffeinated beverage?” It is actually code for “Do you want to be my new friend? Please?” Usually the response to the suggestion of coffee is “Hell yes!” However, when said coffee catch-up happens, there will often be a bashful confession that one of the party doesn’t actually like coffee. For my part, I am totally enamoured with coffee and with the lifestyle of a quiet bourgeois latte in the corner of a Scandinavian wooden bench–cum-industrial chic café. That said, I have recently become a bit jaded with the whole thing (mainly through working in hospitality). Moreover, I believe it is important to empathise with the non-coffee populace. So I propose we consider a few non-coffee options on and around campus. After all, coffee is largely a social affair; as such, it’s important to find (non-alcoholic) alternatives for those who aren’t impressed with espresso.

Seven Seeds colour

Seven Seeds Hot Chocolate: Okay, so while you might feel a bit ashamed not ordering a coffee in this very-much-dedicated-to-coffee roastery and café, you can’t help but feel a little excited by their hot chocolates, which are made with sexy adult dark chocolate. They also have a little Kit-Katesque chocolate bar half-submerged in the cup. How marvellous.

House of cards

House of Cards Chai: It comes in a takeaway cup, so no one need know that you’re not consuming coffee. At the same time, ordering a chai is actually less pretentious than, say, a skinny, 3/4, double ristretto flat white. It’s also rather tasty. NB: the chai from the Food Co-op in Union House is also very satisfying.

The Standing room

Standing Room Salted Caramel Shake: It seems we haven’t quite reached ‘peak salted caramel’ yet. Our minds are still being blown by the tastiness of something that is both sweet and salty, and oh so crap for our health. It does have an air of sophistication to it though, and that is evidently helping to make this a popular cold drink. Ron Burgandy was wrong; milk was not a bad choice.Mango Lassi

Uni Curry House Mango Lassi: Mango lassi is just about an obligatory drink with any curry, but it’s also an incredibly satisfying drink on its own. Got a sore throat? Mango lassi. Feel like something cold but also filling? Mango lassi. Want something fruity and creamy? Mango lassi. In the midst of an existential crisis? Mango bloody lassi. It’s not a ‘superfood smoothie’ so it won’t set you back $10.

It’s cheap and it’s good.


Anything from Mörk: The new Mörk café is only a short walk from campus. Adopting the coffee vernacular, this ‘brew house’ boasts ‘single origin’ chocolate sodas and all manner of crazy permutations of the traditional hot chocolate, including the smoke-infused ‘campfire chocolate’. This means there’s no shame in hiding a distaste for coffee here; coffee isn’t even an option. Haha!

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