Shit Movie Pitches

Planet of the Grapes of Wrath

24 March 2017

Pitch:

A man, Beck Stein, journeys through the landscape of The Great Depression only to be kidnapped and taken to a strange planet by large, anthropomorphised grapes. Soon, said grapes put him to work on a farm that produces wine with a mysterious secret ingredient. Along the way, Stein meets Shazza, a magical, sassy, talking horse (the comic relief!) and subsequently becomes entangled in the dystopian vineyard underworld, inadvertently discovering the horrifying, cannibalistic secret ingredient: grapes.

The film will be a hybrid-bastard-crossbreed-love-child of the visual claustrophobia of Terry Gilliam and the emotionally exploratory violence of Michael Bay. On a narrative and thematic level, Planet will tap into Agnes Varda’s study of individuality and identity, along with the carefully laid formula of Tony Scott – non-stop audience pay off and an abundance of high fives (think Top Gun but with cannibalistic grapes!). On top of this, the score will be played entirely on a keytar. And I mean entirely – you can thank me later.

Planet plays into everything audiences want and more! They’ll come for the grapes and stay for the cannibalism! And who doesn’t love a sassy talking horse?

Excerpt:

EXT. AN EMPTY BEACH – MIDDAY

BECK is riding SHAZZA the horse along the beach. He is battered and bloodied.

BECK
I just can’t believe it! Wine is grapes!

Shazza throws Beck from her back.

BECK
Ow! Shazza, bad horse!

SHAZZA
Neigh, bitch.

Beck stumbles to his feet and trudges along the beach.

BECK
I landed on my face! I could’ve broken my nose!

SHAZZA
Honey, that woulda been an improvement!

Shazza stands on two legs and snaps her hooves sassily. They walk around a corner and see the Sydney Opera House half-submerged in sand. They realise that the Planet of the Grapes of Wrath has been Earth all along.

BECK
Oh my God, we’re on Earth. In Australia!

SHAZZA
Oh wow, fuck. I could go visit my mum. Last I saw her, though, she was doing some shitty race in Melbourne.

BECK
You maniacs! You damned dirty grapes!

SHAZZA
Hey, Beck, I was talking about seeing my mum. Pay a little attention.

BECK
Oh, shut up! She’s probably been turned into glue or dog food by now!

SHAZZA
Oooh! I thought I was the sassy one!

A large, deformed GRAPE hobbles into view, holding a gun and drunkenly swigging wine.

GRAPE
Gotcha now, my pretties!

BECK
Oh no! A character from earlier threatening our happy ending!

SHAZZA
That was the one who engineered the whole cannibalistic plot in the first place!

GRAPE
And I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling person and anthropomorphised horse!

The grape takes aim with the gun and cackles.

GRAPE (cont’d)
Time to die.

The ground starts to rumble, and the Sydney Opera House rises from the sand. It continues to rise and all the characters watch in wonderment. The grape is horrified. The STATUE OF LIBERTY emerges underneath the Sydney Opera House, carrying it.

STATUE OF LIBERTY
Not today!

GRAPE
What!?

STATUE OF LIBERTY
Time to liberate you… from life!

GRAPE
No!

The Statue of Liberty throws the Opera House at the grape, who dodges it. The Statue then reveals a machine gun from her dress and shoots the grape. Juice spurts everywhere.

BECK
Thank you, Statue of Liberty. You really saved the day!

STATUE OF LIBERTY
And now I must return to my home planet.

The Statue flies into the sky. Beck and Shazza wave and smile.

FADE OUT.


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