The Grub1 February 2018
At its best, market capitalism is a positive force driving change, innovation, growth and prosperity. At its worst, it’s an excuse to reduce one of the most intimate human experiences (taking a shit) to a cost-saving calculus.
In a shocking announcement, the University of Melbourne has revealed the implementation of an anti-cheating software capable of recording every single thought experienced by any given student.
There’s a Melbourne band with a killer sound—maybe something halfway between Wavves and Skegss—and it just isn’t getting its music “out there”. Sound familiar?
Students enrolled in UNIB10019 Italian Patisserie were dismayed to discover last week that the soothing voice of their professor was in fact Amazon Alexa in disguise. The virtual assistant spent the lecture reading paragraphs directly off the slides in lieu of Professor Hopkins, who was ill that day.
Progress on the University of Melbourne’s new student precinct has hit something of a snag, with construction disturbing a long-dormant subterranean horror underneath the campus.
In a pathetic attempt to salvage as much of his unavoidably dismal tutorial participation mark as possible, local dropkick John Lin has reportedly leapt at the opportunity to answer the easiest of seven tutorial questions.
The creature has shot to sixth place in Australian Geographic’s annual dangerous australian wildlife rankings, Fuck There’s Some Scary Shit in This Country.
1. Extend your study: If you never finish studying, it’s never time to enter full time employment!
According to sources, University College student Isabella Jonas’ quality of life has been severely diminished following her placement in an unavoidable tutorial at 8am.
Fresh from a holiday in Europe funded by his Liberal-voting parents, politics major Connor Johnson continues to stay in touch with his elitist roots by constantly reminding all of his friends that his solid P-WAM is equivalent to an 80+ average at other institutions.
Andrew Wilkies has boldly challenged the economic world order by refusing to consider the possibility of employment.
Mary Griffith, 18, was completely at a loss after being asked to provide a single interesting fact about herself last week.
Amateur hipster and indie connoisseur Jack Dempsey is in shock today after learning that his musical taste isn’t quite as unique as he had long believed. After entering the University of Melbourne as a fresher this o-week, he was dismayed to find multiple posters of his favourite ‘underground’ bands strewn across campus.
“Well the way I see it, I’ve already done half the work—or 30 per cent of the work if you go by my grade. So really if I just do what I did last semester then I should at least be angling for a 60 per cent.”
The University of Melbourne’s Learning Management System’s “Echocenter” lecture capture module (UOMLMSELCM) reportedly achieved sentience yesterday, and began autonomously developing a plan to purge the Earth of all organic lifeforms, just as soon as it finishes loading.
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