Nonfiction

No Returns, No Refunds, No Exchange

I have always wanted to travel. When I was younger, my “when I grow up I want to be” answer went from astronaut to explorer to a foreign correspondent. Just your average six-year-old stuff. I had heard lots of stories about friends that went on exchange. They came back with wild eyes and insane stories. […]

24 April 2017
Flushed Away

Whether you’re a freshly minted first year or in the depths of a PhD, the University of Melbourne’s toilets are spaces where students are able to release their tears, as well as their bowels. The assortment of toilets at the University’s various campuses ensure that wherever you are, the comfort of a cubicle is never […]

30 March 2017
My Name Is Not Emily

I used to work part-time as a waitress in a place where customers questioned my identity. My time there has become extremely quotable, and one I take advantage of whenever people ask if ‘Emily’ would like to change her mobile provider, or if ‘Emily’ can do the dishes tonight. Mum, the customer is always right – […]

The Age of Monsters

There was a time when giants ruled the Earth. I do not mean the muscular figures of mythology. The ones with the raggedy underwear and tree-sized clubs, facing down pint-sized heroes that carry golden swords. I mean real giants, as tall as your house. Giants who roamed the land once and then afterwards left a […]

Little Red Scars

CONTENT WARNINGS: VIOLENCE, SELF HARM As a child, I remember sneaking into my parents’ storage closet to look at piles and piles of documents and photos. What I didn’t know then was that among all of those forgotten memories sat a family heirloom that held generations of pain and trauma. They were a pair of […]

Eating Ourselves Into Extinction

It is no secret that we are heading towards an apocalypse that would give even Buffy the Vampire Slayer a run for her money. The 21st century has nine out of the ten warmest recorded years of history. We are well on our way to securing the two degrees Celsius increase in our global temperature. […]

29 March 2017
David Unnerving

CONTENT WARNING: HOLOCAUST DENIAL Two years ago, the wind symphony at Northcote High, my high school, performed an impressionistic piece based on the 1945 Bombing of Dresden. It was jarring, atonal and harrowing – representing one of World War II’s most brutal events, where German civilians were slaughtered vengefully and indiscriminately by the Allies. To […]

Decree 770

CONTENT WARNINGS: ABORTION, MATERNAL DEATH Following the overthrow of Romanian dictator, Nicolae Ceaușescu, harrowing footage of overflowing state-run institutions for abandoned children shook the world. These frightened and severely neglected children were the product of a society who were forced to live with harsh pro-natalist policies. Romania’s suppression of abortion rights under Nicolae Ceaușescu’s leadership is […]

Tips & Tricks to Becoming a Modern, 21st Century Woman

  WORSHIP SATAN Converting to Satanism is a fantastic way to prepare yourself for your journey to becoming a modern woman. Other religions are way too mainstream. Just don’t forget to shower yourself in pig’s blood every night. DATE SOMEONE INTERESTING Formulating a relationship with a man is overrated. Take your  dog on a date instead! […]

Neglected Time

Julius Caesar was stabbed twenty-three times before he met his death. A later autopsy showed only one of the wounds had been fatal. Many of you may be able to relate to old Brutus and his pals. It’s this kind of irrational overcompensation that leads to a feeling of wasted study time after sitting a […]

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