satire

Local Student Perfects Work-Life Balance

PARKVILLE—Local student and identical twin Simon Whitaker, 21, confirmed on Monday that he has discovered the secret to a perfect work-life balance. “It’s taken a few years of trial and error, but we—pardon me—I have finally struck gold and come across the best way to balance all my competing commitments,” boasted the at-peace Whitaker to […]

26 August 2020
Woah to No

Local punters at Flinders Street Station were stunned today as a fellow traveller moved through the gate without pausing or stopping. “It was amazing,” one baffled onlooker commented. “She aimed at one boomgate the whole way in, and that was actually the one she went through. She had money on her card and everything. No […]

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23 March 2020
SATIRE: Student leaves assignment to last minute because time is just a construct

In the final, stressful minute before his literature assignment is due, Arts student Wes Wednesday is cool as a cucumber after realising that time does not, in fact, exist.

Local Man Ready to Give Up as Third Group Chat Message in a Row is Left on Seen

A local man has today been left wondering where it all went wrong after he messaged a group chat hoping to grab some beers tonight, but was instead served absolute donuts.

24 September 2019
Local Asshole Stands on Right-Hand Side of Escalator and Doesn’t Walk

The most important person in the world visited Melbourne Central Station today. At least that’s how it seemed as one inconsiderate asshole decided he had the right to stand still on the right-hand side of the escalator.

8am is a Really Good Time for a Funeral, Tutor Discovers

Bernie Green (26) has reported a massive spike in the deaths of his students’ obscure relatives and family friends since he moved his tutorial from a 2pm to an 8am timeslot. 

2 July 2019
Lecturer faces plagiarism charges after ‘borrowing’ memes to use in PowerPoint slides

There was tension in the air last night as media lecturer Jean Paul LeVol took a Cersei-esque walk of shame to the Dean’s office, after he was accused of plagiarism by failing to reference memes used in his PowerPoint slides. The University was notified of the lecturer’s theft after the Learning Management System (LMS) reported […]

13 June 2019
Budget Cuts: Stop 1 To Be Replaced by ‘Unimelb Love Letters’

Following recent budget cuts, the University of Melbourne has decided to axe Stop 1, choosing to replace the student services resource with the ‘Unimelb Love Letters’ Facebook page.

7 May 2019
New study reveals South Lawn is the optimal spot for making out in front of everyone

A major new study conducted by the Victorian Institute of Geography and Impetuous Osculation (VIGIO) has found that South Lawn prevails as the finest location on campus for couples wanting to flaunt their amatory success in plain view of an abundance of loners.

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