The Grub

Opinion: Unimelb’s Switch to Single-Ply Shows Capitalism Has Failed

At its best, market capitalism is a positive force driving change, innovation, growth and prosperity. At its worst, it’s an excuse to reduce one of the most intimate human experiences (taking a shit) to a cost-saving calculus.

5 November 2018
UniMelb To Introduce Anti-Cheating Software That Tracks All Thoughts And Actions Of Students

In a shocking announcement, the University of Melbourne has revealed the implementation of an anti-cheating software capable of recording every single thought experienced by any given student.

3 Weird Chords Guaranteed To Get Your Band Triple J Airplay

There’s a Melbourne band with a killer sound—maybe something halfway between Wavves and Skegss—and it just isn’t getting its music “out there”. Sound familiar?

25 September 2018
Middle-Aged Professor Cheekily References Month-Old Internet Trend

In an act of cheekiness, a middle-aged professor has used her last PowerPoint slide of the semester to reference a month-old internet trend. The professor, Angela Withers, who teaches health policy at the University of Melbourne, finished up her final lecture of the semester with a PowerPoint slide that contained nothing but the University of […]

4 June 2018
Lecturer Reading Off Slides Replaced By Alexa And Nobody Notices

Students enrolled in UNIB10019 Italian Patisserie were dismayed to discover last week that the soothing voice of their professor was in fact Amazon Alexa in disguise. The virtual assistant spent the lecture reading paragraphs directly off the slides in lieu of Professor Hopkins, who was ill that day.

4 May 2018
Student Precinct Construction Disturbs Ancient Horror Long Buried Beneath The Earth

Progress on the University of Melbourne’s new student precinct has hit something of a snag, with construction disturbing a long-dormant subterranean horror underneath the campus.

3 May 2018
Total Dropkick Desperately Tries To Get Picked For The One Tute Question He Can Answer

In a pathetic attempt to salvage as much of his unavoidably dismal tutorial participation mark as possible, local dropkick John Lin has reportedly leapt at the opportunity to answer the easiest of seven tutorial questions.

23 April 2018
Little Fat Lamb The Sixth Most Dangerous Creature In Australia, Studies Show

The creature has shot to sixth place in Australian Geographic’s annual dangerous australian wildlife rankings, Fuck There’s Some Scary Shit in This Country.

21 April 2018
“How I sleep at night”: Exclusive Q&A With A Metro Ticket Inspector

They are foreboding, menacing figures. They inspire fear in the hearts of innocent, broke students and clueless baby boomers alike. They prey especially on the young, the vulnerable, the disorganised, and those generally having a shit day. The thought of being approached by a Metro ticket inspector inspires terrifying nightmares in every Melbourne public transport […]

27 March 2018
Anxious about job prospects post-graduation? 5 ways to leech off your parents for the next 30 years!

1. Extend your study: If you never finish studying, it’s never time to enter full time employment!

25 March 2018
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