FARRAGO

Students enrolled in UNIB10019 Italian Patisserie were dismayed to discover last week that the soothing voice of their professor was in fact Amazon Alexa in disguise. The virtual assistant spent the lecture reading paragraphs directly off the slides in lieu of Professor Hopkins, who was ill that day.

Progress on the University of Melbourne’s new student precinct has hit something of a snag, with construction disturbing a long-dormant subterranean horror underneath the campus.

In a pathetic attempt to salvage as much of his unavoidably dismal tutorial participation mark as possible, local dropkick John Lin has reportedly leapt at the opportunity to answer the easiest of seven tutorial questions.

The creature has shot to sixth place in Australian Geographic’s annual dangerous australian wildlife rankings, Fuck There’s Some Scary Shit in This Country.

They are foreboding, menacing figures. They inspire fear in the hearts of innocent, broke students and clueless baby boomers alike. They prey especially on the young, the vulnerable, the disorganised, and those generally having a shit day. The thought of being approached by a Metro ticket inspector inspires terrifying nightmares in every Melbourne public transport […]

1. Extend your study: If you never finish studying, it’s never time to enter full time employment!

According to sources, University College student Isabella Jonas’ quality of life has been severely diminished following her placement in an unavoidable tutorial at 8am.

Fresh from a holiday in Europe funded by his Liberal-voting parents, politics major Connor Johnson continues to stay in touch with his elitist roots by constantly reminding all of his friends that his solid P-WAM is equivalent to an 80+ average at other institutions.

Andrew Wilkies has boldly challenged the economic world order by refusing to consider the possibility of employment.

Mary Griffith, 18, was completely at a loss after being asked to provide a single interesting fact about herself last week.