The Grub

“How I sleep at night”: Exclusive Q&A With A Metro Ticket Inspector

They are foreboding, menacing figures. They inspire fear in the hearts of innocent, broke students and clueless baby boomers alike. They prey especially on the young, the vulnerable, the disorganised, and those generally having a shit day. The thought of being approached by a Metro ticket inspector inspires terrifying nightmares in every Melbourne public transport […]

27 March 2018
Anxious about job prospects post-graduation? 5 ways to leech off your parents for the next 30 years!

1. Extend your study: If you never finish studying, it’s never time to enter full time employment!

25 March 2018
Unavoidable 8am Tutorial Just Makes Residential College Student’s Life So Hard

According to sources, University College student Isabella Jonas’ quality of life has been severely diminished following her placement in an unavoidable tutorial at 8am.

25 March 2018
2nd-year politics major with WAM of 52.5 continues to mock Monash students at every opportunity

Fresh from a holiday in Europe funded by his Liberal-voting parents, politics major Connor Johnson continues to stay in touch with his elitist roots by constantly reminding all of his friends that his solid P-WAM is equivalent to an 80+ average at other institutions.

20 March 2018
Philosophy Student Not Unemployed But “Challenging Neoliberal Paradigms”

Andrew Wilkies has boldly challenged the economic world order by refusing to consider the possibility of employment.

15 March 2018
Panic: Student Forgets Everything About Self During First Week Tutorials

Mary Griffith, 18, was completely at a loss after being asked to provide a single interesting fact about herself last week.

10 March 2018
Model UN Conference Conclusively Solves Palestine Crisis

World leaders have praised a Model United Nations conference after it conclusively solved the Israeli-Palestinian crisis on Tuesday. Delegates for the United States Dmitri Papadimitriou and Isaac Wong, both 18, proposed a treaty between Israel and the Palestinians in the mock UN debate so effective it has now seen peace on the Gaza strip. Mr […]

2 March 2018
First-Year Who Loves Saying “You’ve Probably Never Heard of Them” Dismayed to Learn People Have Heard of Them
First-Year Who Loves Saying “You’ve Probably Never Heard of Them” Dismayed to Learn People Have Heard of Them

Amateur hipster and indie connoisseur Jack Dempsey is in shock today after learning that his musical taste isn’t quite as unique as he had long believed. After entering the University of Melbourne as a fresher this o-week, he was dismayed to find multiple posters of his favourite ‘underground’ bands strewn across campus.

28 February 2018
Student Retaking Failed Subject Walks Into Tute Like He Knows Fucking Everything
Student Retaking Failed Subject Walks Into Tute Like He Knows Fucking Everything

“Well the way I see it, I’ve already done half the work—or 30 per cent of the work if you go by my grade. So really if I just do what I did last semester then I should at least be angling for a 60 per cent.”

23 February 2018
Local Student Applying For Internships Forced To Confront Own Mediocrity

What started as a plan to land an internship has ended in tragedy, as local student Jordan Rampant has been forced to confront their own unassailable mediocrity as a human being. The incident reportedly began with an eagle-based inspirational quote on Tumblr. “I just wanted to ‘Soar towards success on the winds of my potential’,” […]

14 February 2018
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