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The Grub

Philosophy Student Not Unemployed But “Challenging Neoliberal Paradigms”

Andrew Wilkies has boldly challenged the economic world order by refusing to consider the possibility of employment.

15 March 2018
Panic: Student Forgets Everything About Self During First Week Tutorials

Mary Griffith, 18, was completely at a loss after being asked to provide a single interesting fact about herself last week.

10 March 2018
Model UN Conference Conclusively Solves Palestine Crisis

World leaders have praised a Model United Nations conference after it conclusively solved the Israeli-Palestinian crisis on Tuesday. Delegates for the United States Dmitri Papadimitriou and Isaac Wong, both 18, proposed a treaty between Israel and the Palestinians in the mock UN debate so effective it has now seen peace on the Gaza strip. Mr […]

2 March 2018
First-Year Who Loves Saying “You’ve Probably Never Heard of Them” Dismayed to Learn People Have Heard of Them
First-Year Who Loves Saying “You’ve Probably Never Heard of Them” Dismayed to Learn People Have Heard of Them

Amateur hipster and indie connoisseur Jack Dempsey is in shock today after learning that his musical taste isn’t quite as unique as he had long believed. After entering the University of Melbourne as a fresher this o-week, he was dismayed to find multiple posters of his favourite ‘underground’ bands strewn across campus.

28 February 2018
Student Retaking Failed Subject Walks Into Tute Like He Knows Fucking Everything
Student Retaking Failed Subject Walks Into Tute Like He Knows Fucking Everything

“Well the way I see it, I’ve already done half the work—or 30 per cent of the work if you go by my grade. So really if I just do what I did last semester then I should at least be angling for a 60 per cent.”

23 February 2018
Local Student Applying For Internships Forced To Confront Own Mediocrity

What started as a plan to land an internship has ended in tragedy, as local student Jordan Rampant has been forced to confront their own unassailable mediocrity as a human being. The incident reportedly began with an eagle-based inspirational quote on Tumblr. “I just wanted to ‘Soar towards success on the winds of my potential’,” […]

14 February 2018
Disturbing Study Ranks Unimelb Below RMIT In Instagrammable Locations

A study conducted by the Student Union for Instagram Welfare (SUIW) has sent ripples through the UniMelb community after RMIT was given a higher rating in terms of Instagrammable locations. The University was quick to respond to the damning findings, releasing a social media official to make a press statement. Farrago‘s The Grub was in […]

13 February 2018
7 Photos Of Glyn Davis That Will Spruce Up Your Assignment

So, you’ve completed an assignment. ConGLYNtulations. But guess what? It sucks. Quick—add these photos of the effervescent vice-chancellor of Australia’s #1 University to give your assignment a much-needed sprucing up. Why Glyn, you ask? Hold onto that—questions will be addressed in the tutorial. We’ve also included some sample topics to go with the pictures, you […]

7 February 2018
University Square Possums Unionise After Council Threatens To Destroy Their Trees

In a display of solidarity not seen since the 1856 workers strike at the University of Melbourne, a group of brushtail possums have unionised after plans emerged for council to destroy trees they have inhabited for generations. The City of Melbourne plans, announced in August, will ensure the destruction of numerous iconic trees in University […]

4 February 2018
LMS Lecture Capture Becomes Sentient, Begins Buffering Plan To Eradicate Humanity

The University of Melbourne’s Learning Management System’s “Echocenter” lecture capture module (UOMLMSELCM) reportedly achieved sentience yesterday, and began autonomously developing a plan to purge the Earth of all organic lifeforms, just as soon as it finishes loading.

1 February 2018
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