Breaking (the) News

Vice-chancellor takes action against jaywalking

30 March 2017

A recent Victoria Police crackdown on incidences of jaywalking in the outer CBD has caused discussion on increasing student safety at the infamously disobeyed crossing between the Swanston Street tram stop and the entrance to the main campus.

Ten thousand students cross at the criminal hotspot every week.

In a conference called by the Vice-Chancellor at the University of Melbourne, Glyn Davis, staff members from all faculties discussed possible solutions which will be funded using the generous budget afforded by the increasing service fees.

While Farrago was not able to gain access to the meeting, some members of staff were available for comment.

“The obvious solution is surely to build a zip-line to cross above the cars and trams,” Dean of Engineering Terry Nartin said.

“Unfortunately, some other members of the committee were short-sighted, claiming that it would be inefficient to transport one student at a time. At least we managed to get Experimental Physics to withdraw their teleportation nonsense.”

The Architecture Faculty are in strong opposition to the Engineering Faculty’s proposal and instead claimed a bridge would be the most practical solution to the safety concerns. The faculty have released early plans for a contemporary style bridge with a heavy focus on green spaces.

“Building a bridge makes the most sense,” a spokesperson for the Architecture Faculty said in a comment to Farrago.

The Music Department is set on encouraging civil obedience through an engaging campaign.

“We see the problem not as one of a lack of mechanism to cross the road, rather as a lack of awareness from students about the dangers of jaywalking. We’d like to see a concerted musical campaign to raise the profile of this critical issue,” said Music Professor Ian Mack.

When asked how this proposal had been received, the staff member asserted that the concept had been rejected outright.

Despite the premature closing of the meeting, it is alleged that the Faculty of Arts elected to stay behind to discuss whether the depiction of a sole man on pedestrian crossing lights was an impediment to the feminist perspective of Mary Wollstonecraft.

University administration have also raised concerns about the potential cost of the project, asserting that an increase in student service fees would not be enough to cover the costs of the proposals.

“None of their ideas are financially viable,” the University’s CFO said in a statement released shortly after the meeting.

“In order to pay for this, the University would be forced to either cut wages or make staff redundant.”

Following the University’s financial concerns, Student Representatives have questioned how seriously the University is taking student safety.

“The University is more concerned with cost than they are with students getting hit by a tram on the way to their ECON10002 tutorial at 9a.m.,” University of Melbourne Student Union President, Yan Zhuang said.

Students are concerned their interests will not be heard in the decision making process.

When contacted, a representative from the Chancellor’s office rejected this concept.

“We have a number of highly qualified individuals working towards a solution. We are confident that an appropriate and effective measure will be decided upon in due course.”

The suggestion that students could simply obey road laws that apply to all pedestrians was immediately dismissed.

‘Breaking (the) News’ is Farrago’s satire column and is not to be taken seriously.

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