Edition Three: SATIRE-IN-BRIEF

Wayne Carey still not fired Latest reports reveal that, against all odds, Wayne Carey will still get his creepy mug aired on Channel 7. Refusing to follow in the footsteps of 3AW and the Nine Network, Channel 7 has decided to turn a blind eye this Women’s History Month, urging viewers to keep calm and […]

24 June 2021
War for the Planet of the Apes: Review

I have lovely memories associated with this film, so I hope I don’t sound dramatic when I say it’s the greatest work of art in the history of cinema. I concede this is a bold statement, but my reasoning is sound. Matt Reeves’ stunning science-fiction epic, War for the Planet of the Apes (2017), is […]

26 May 2021
Parasite: Review

It’s incredible to think how much joy and destruction one small family can inflict. Bong Joon-ho’s dark comedy thriller Parasite (2020) is held together by a strong cast and slick directing, and the take-home message is clear: bonding with your family causes death. I feel I reserve the right to criticise this cynical view of […]

5 May 2021
REVIEW: Lewis Capaldi’s New Album ‘Lullabies for people of neglect’

Capaldi is known for using vague, at times confusing metaphors to describe the human experience in his music. Now, in 2021, the 24-year-old is back with more melodrama than your nana’s Mills & Boon novels. To talk about this fresh and unique take on lullabies, we sat down with Capaldi in his parents’ plush studio […]

26 April 2021
Being John Malkovich: Review

What makes a consciousness independent? Evidently, not much according to Spike Jonze’s 1999 ‘classic’: Being John Malkovich. Craig Schwartz (John Cusack) is an unsuccessful puppeteer who discovers a portal into the head of John Malkovich (John Malkovich). Schwartz mostly plods along as an asinine protagonist, only to be challenged with fanciful moral dilemmas and philosophical […]

12 March 2021
Man explaining Fight Club to you reminds you (for the fifth time) he does INDEED go to VCA!

“Look, I’d say it’s deeper than a critique of capitalism, which admittedly is a pretty mainstream understanding of the film—see, it’s a criticism of our understanding of self and the superficial nature of the relationships that we foster due to our inherent egotism… Anyway, do you like The Cure? Hey, are you awake?”—Oliver Russel, 23, […]

5 March 2021
How to Write an H1 Arts Essay

The Elusive H1. H1, not to be confused with H1N1—the viral disease from 2009 better known as the Swine Flu, is the top mark you can receive at the University of Melbourne. However, while H1N1 is acquired by inhaling the glycoproteins haemagglutinin and neuraminidase through droplets in the air, H1s are awarded for achieving over […]


content warning: sexual abuse   Tall, white, rich and handsome movie star Armie Hammer probably going to be fine after latest sexual abuse allegations.  Following another slate of allegations against a famous beautiful man, reporters expect to see exactly zero consequences for his actions.  “Okay he’s a bit of a deviant, but have you seen […]

22 February 2021
University executives to start wearing ear masks to protect themselves from listening to students

A University spokesperson announced on Monday that wearing ear masks will be mandatory for all members of the University executive committee in order to slow the spread of student complaints reaching their ears.

8 December 2020
Local woman terrified by small spark of optimism

A local woman was horrified to find herself cradling the smallest hopeful spark following this dumpster fire of a year. In the wake of what has felt like a decade’s worth of tragedies and misfortunes crammed into one year, the idea of optimism felt so foreign to the former glass-half-full-er that its presence startled her to tears.

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