The World According to Goat: Edition 2

31 March 2005

As I mentioned in my first column, I have been generous given a space by the Farrago Political Editor to spout my partisan goatist propaganda pursue a well-balanced intellectual discourse. A brown paper envelope (which to my great annoyance was not stuffed with Hungarian dollar bills) slipped under my door the night before Farrago’s deadline informed me that the theme for Edition 2 was “The Importance of Being Earnest”.

Apparently, the Farrago people thought that there was no negative connotations to being earnest, and that this issue would be a ‘nice’ one.

Earnest is not so damn important

Well, I have some news for you. Just before I sat down in my study, I received a phone call from a lady-goat I had caught the eye of during O-Week. “Great,” I thought, “finally some O-Week goat-action.” Unfortunately, my preoccupation with miniature goats, and possibly the fact that I had been woken up by country-music, playing the kind of songs that Texan white-trash commit suicide by, directly outside of my bedroom in some trendy, do-gooder, hippy-grunge street-party, did not make the conversation very coherent.

You see, dear eye-glazers, the lady-caller had decided she wanted nothing to do with me, and was calling to let me know that my earnest attempts to get between her hindquarters had failed. Miserably. There you go. Damn you Oscar Wilde! There is nothing important about being earnest, or even Ernest (a good-natured, if irrelevant minor functionary at the University Paperclip and Fixtures Department). In fact, it was the very fact of my being earnest that let me down at the critical moment. A word of advice for any other young bucks out there: sincerity sucks and seriousness blows. My determination was completely deflated by that Sunday phone call.

Which is not to say that all is lost for GOAT! Oh no! There are plenty of attractive young lady-goats out there. I will, however, be abandoning the “earnest” shtick.

The GOAT Verdict: Never, ever answer my phone, ever again.

What about the politics GOAT!?

Oh yeah. Politics…

The three of you who read Farrago and also care about politics may have heard of Western Australia. It is a state somewhere to the west of Werribee and apparently they had an election recently. All indications… er… indicated… that the Libs, led by a guy with wonky teeth and the most boring haircut in the world, would romp it in against the Labor candidate, a politician whose smile would put the Joker to shame (Dr Geoff Gallop). Everything looked rosy for the Libs until Iron John, our mousey Prime Minister, arrived in the final days of the campaign. Perhaps unsettled by the PM’s unspectacular presence, or the fact that his budget expenses were out by some $200 million, Wonky-teeth (Colin Barnett) dropped the ball, his pants and the election and virtually guaranteed the Labor domination of state politics. Bomber Beasley was apparently also in Westralia, but thankfully stayed away from the TV screens.

When push came to shove, Wonky-teeth Barnett conceded defeat, took full responsibility for the loss. He then immediately blamed the Westralian people for being too conservative to see the radical agenda that the Libs were proposing, including building a $3 billion ditch to siphon mud from one part of the goat-forsaken state to another, and a $2 million water cannon to be used by police against street parties that featured bad country music. Meanwhile, the Bolshevik Labor were talking about putting fluoride in the water (which, as we all know, turns kids into communists) and spending up big on Che Guevara promoting education programs.

The GOAT Verdict: Joker-smile Gallop election winner commended Wonky-teeth loser Barnett for his earnest campaigning. Barnett responded forcefully by retiring as Liberal leader. Full marks for the red-hot, full-blooded, blue-ribbon, unmitigated resignation.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *