Nonfiction

Ice Cream in Review

30 November 2013

Ice cream is one of those rare things with the ability to make you feel better about life in an instant–much like baby sloths, the collected works of P.G. Wodehouse, and receiving word of the sudden and mysterious demise of your overzealous creditor. As conditions for the consumption of frozen confectionery grow increasingly optimal (that is to say, it’s gettin’ fucken hot as, eh?), I have reviewed five delicious treats so you know exactly what to put in your mouth this summer.

NAME: Combines two of my favourite things: puns and cowboys. 4/5

ICE CREAM: (See below.) 2/5

GIMMICKS: The thing is, with Bubble O’Bill, the ice cream is hardly the point. We’re talking about a frozen treat in the shape of a cowboy’s head. He It even has a hat, complete with a bullet hole that seems to defy everything I know about ice cream physics. The back is chocolate-coated and the features on the front are suggested by the colours of the three (!) different ice cream flavours; the moustache, eyes and hatband are caramel-yellow, the hat is chocolate-brown, and the face is strawberry-pink. Oh, and the nose is a ball of bubble gum, which in Ye Olde times (the Nineties) would have one of a series of Wild West-themed aphorisms printed on it. Neither the chocolate nor the ice cream nor the bubble gum are anything to rave about in and of themselves, but as a complete package, it’s just so cool. 5/5

REFRESHMENT: It’s not exactly a blast of polar wind but it’s perfectly serviceable as a cooling method. However, like the Gaytime, it is slightly overburdened with things that aren’t ice cream. 2/5

RATING: 13 pew-pew-pew-bang-bang-bangs out of 20.

NAME: Sounds like an old man in a canoe. Or a sex position. Or a sex position involving an old man in a canoe. 2/5

ICE CREAM: Paddle Pops are suspiciously firm. Ice cream should not be firm. I picked a chocolate flavoured one this time around and I certainly could at times taste a flavour somewhat resembling that of chocolate. The rainbow ones are pretty rad though. 1/5

GIMMICKS: None. It’s just ice cream on a stick. Some would describe this as a refreshingly fundamentalist approach to ice cream. Some would use terms like ‘rustic’ and ‘traditional’ and ‘back-to-basics’. But I wouldn’t. 0/5

REFRESHMENT: Well, it is actually made of ice cream, so you can’t really go too wrong. 3/5

RATING: 6 blandnesses out of 20.

NAME: Profoundly meaningless yet somehow just the sound of it captures exactly what this ice cream is about. 3/5

ICE CREAM: Taken on its own, it’s far from gourmet but appropriately creamy and not entirely devoid of flavour. 3/5

GIMMICKS: The zesty citrus tang of the ‘fruit ice shell’ is delightfully flavoursome without ever becoming overwhelming. Texturally speaking, the shell is virtually perfect, sitting right in the middle of the spectrum between ‘melt in your mouth’ and ‘shatter your teeth’. 4/5
REFRESHMENT: It’s in the interplay between the ice cream and its fruity, neon green prison that the Splice really comes into its own. The two elements complement each other exceptionally well, creating something far more than the sum of its parts. 5/5

RATING: 15 mouthgasms out of 20.

NAME: Brimming with old-school retro charm. Stop sniggering, you’re at university now for Christ’s sake. 5/5

ICE CREAM: Satisfying enough. The caramel flavour is delicious without hitting the sweetness too hard. It does, however, overpower the vanilla which might as well not be there at all. 3/5

GIMMICKS: The biscuit shards certainly add a pleasing dimension of texture but also leave a massive mess. The chocolate coating seems sub-standard. 2/5

REFRESHMENT: As tasty as it is, the biscuit-chocolate complex renders the Gaytime a little too heavy to be effective at cooling one down. 2/5

RATING: 12 puerile innuendoes out of 20.

NAME: See, they changed the spelling of ‘fruit’ to make it more like the spelling of ‘loops’! And because the cereal is made up of little fruit-flavoured circles, it’s doubly appropriate. Because the letter o is also like a circle! Isn’t that clever? No? Yeah, I guess not. 5/5

ICE CREAM: One time I put Froot Loops on some vanilla ice cream and it was kinda just like eating cereal and ice cream at the same time. I was pretty disappointed. 5/5

GIMMICKS: Sometimes they stain the milk cool colours. They’re also incredibly high in sugar! 5/5

REFRESHMENT: Are Froot Loops ice-cream? No. Are they a delicious summer treat? Yes. Froot Loops are the best thing that ever happened to human tongues and you should go out and eat a whole box of them right now. Also there’s a toucan on the box! He’s fun! I guess! 5/5

RATING: 200,000,000,000,000 out of GIVE ME SOME FUCKING FROOTLOOPSARGHHHHS:Digjaes;rigja;gja;jae;klrgegs;kjseh;klsthjrtsh;ie;esihj;
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