Poetry

Counsel in Couplets: Exams

24 May 2016

FROM: JAFFY MCGEE
Exams are in a few weeks and I’ve watched a total of four lectures and still don’t know any of my tutors’ names. I’m stuck in a vortex of late-night Game of Thrones binges and can’t bring myself to study for what will be my first ever uni exam period. How do I get in exam-mode without wanting to chuck a Bronywn and helicopter myself out of this mess?

So you’ve nearly finished semester one of your first year here,

You’ve got glandular, forgot your ATAR and had too much beer.

You still wear Kathmandu puffer jackets and Nike caps,

Roll your jeans above your Rosches and wear Herschel backpacks.

You’re yet to distinguish Redmond Barry and Raymond Priestly,

You’ve no idea which wing’s which when it comes to John Medley.

But you no longer believe you’ve enrolled at Hogwarts

And you’ve come to accept you won’t join any sports.

What’s worst of all is that you actually have to study!

Who knew uni required work beyond singing in Glee?

Yet your mind is off sailing like good old Gendry,

Why watch lectures when you can rewatch GoT?

But, dearest jaffy, you still have time to turn things around,

In that take-home essay you can write things profound!

Be productive and work with a study buddy,

Find inspiring people and be their understudy.

Seek academic advice from a student advisor,

Compared to yours truly, they’re infinitely wiser.

The library has past practice exams and damn good computers,

If you’re really lost make sure you contact your tutors.

Indeed, Game of Thrones can wait ‘til after your exams,

Put it off for a month: stick to your study plan.

After all, why watch it if it makes you feel guilty,

Like the shame bell’s tolling and you’re Cersei.

Nah, in my eyes it’s far better to wait,

The fruits’ll be great: don’t procrastinate.

But what should you do the day of the exam?

Arrive there with time to spare: catch an early tram.

Don’t forget to bring your student card,

Take a toilet break if things get too hard.

Try find out your seat number beforehand,

Note which materials are allowed and those strictly banned.

If things go awry, like there’s an accident at your station,

There’s no need to cry, you might get special consideration.

You’ll be fine, all will go well,

The exam period doesn’t have to be hell.

So Jaffy McGee, winter is coming,

But that doesn’t mean you can’t hit the ground running!


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