Come ACME Bruh

19 July 2016

Dear ACME,

I, Wile E. Coyote, would like to lodge yet another complaint regarding two more of your faulty products. I am a loyal customer but have been unimpressed with your inaccurate and careless labelling. However, I wish to keep purchasing your products and maintain a healthy relationship with the company. Only ACME’s custom made weapons and devices allow me to enhance my predatory skills. Although you cater well to those of us obsessed with the hunt, there mightn’t be many of us left if your products keep malfunctioning, decapitating or otherwise lethally injuring us.

I recently purchased one product labelled ‘OVERLORD RING – CONTENT: SAURON’S ONE RING’. It promised the ability to control and rule my enemies but I knew this was a lie the instant I used it. In addition, your rocket-powered roller skates quickly sent me to the emergency room when a scene cut to black. I returned to the screen with my arm in a cast propped up by a crutch. I’m all too familiar with such injuries, courtesy of your products.

The incident occurred as follows: I was at a generic canyon – think tumbleweeds, cacti and little bushes painted onto the mise-en-scène. A pale road ran through bare landscape, winding arbitrarily. I’m not sure why the roads always wind so much, perhaps it wasn’t one of those roads leading to Rome. Cattle skulls littered the side of it. There are only ever skulls, as if their beheaded bodies wandered alone into the wilderness.

Through this desert I was hunting my age-old nemesis, the elusive Road Runner (Speedipus Rex). He ran like a jet trail on the road. I had the critter’s daily schedule memorised, it was almost instinctual, like my predisposition towards ACME products. I guess it’s in my genes.

I saw him from my lookout on a cliff’s edge, then waited for him to enter my ambush. God knows where he was going. He always seems to run on that road at nine in the morning but I’ve never been able to keep pace with him and stalk his whereabouts. It struck me that I could easily follow him home with some improvement to my mobility. It was the perfect chance to try out my new ACME Rocket Powered Roller Skates. As I put them on, I raced away from the cliff’s edge and made my way to the road. I zipped towards a path along a cliff face leading down to the Road Runner. I nearly broke the speed of sound and was only a few feet away from my prey before my feet grew hotter and hotter. My leg bones shattered and I rocketed into the distance. I don’t recall reading in the product description that the skates would actually turn me into a rocket. That screw-up is on you, dear ACME. That infuriating meep meep! rang in my ears and I knew instantly I was foiled again. When I returned in the next scene I had some broken bones, but I was not deterred. Again I waited for my quarry on another generic, pale road. As I saw a cloud of dust and the trail it left behind, I placed the Overlord Ring on my right forefinger and pointed it in the direction of my nemesis. Something hit me and left a trail of blue and purple feathers. My nemesis had my face pinned to the ground with his scaly claws. I was conquered. His meep meep! chimed in my ears again and I lay in the dirt, utterly humiliated. I tried to move myself and look at the damage he did to me.

I saw nothing but my own shadow on the pale dust road. Your ring did nothing but turn me invisible! Come on, what kind of overlord power is that? What good does that do? I expected an Overlord Ring to do something like shoot laser beams or freeze my enemies in chunks of ice. These abilities would be indispensable for a hunter.

Perhaps the catalogue should describe your products more accurately so your customers can make informed decisions before lining your pockets with hard-earned wages. I sincerely hope you will take this matter into consideration or you may lose a loyal client.

Warm regards,

Wile E. Coyote


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