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Cocktails For Ex-Lovers

8 August 2016

Annabelle Jarrett

Tiffany Y Goh

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When failed romance and Tinder disasters inevitably leave you feeling bitter, sour, or with a bad taste in your mouth, there will always be a drink to match. Here are six flavours of disappointment, each crafted to present the perfect cocktail recipe to help you wash away their memory in style. Enjoy responsibly and try not to drunk text any of them.

Cocktail 2

The one that you thought you would marry back when you were 16. Cry over, drunk text, listen to sad indie folk, and repeat. Pack it full of ice cream to stuff your face while The Notebook plays in the background.

2 shots vodka
2 shots grenadine
Lemonade to top
Chocolate ice-cream

Combine vodka, grenadine and lemonade in a Pina Colada glass. Scoop chocolate ice-cream in as needed. Garnish with your tears.

 

Cocktail 3

“Oh, you’ve heard of Bright Eyes?” Catch this guy penning sonnets in his brown leather Moleskine at any Brunswick café. Sip on this cocktail to help you sit through his mansplaining of any David Lynch film.

2 shots spiced rum (top shelf is a must – try Kraken or Papagayo)
2 shots cooled black tea
Cold-pressed lemon juice to top
Cinnamon stick
Ice
Lemon twist to garnish

Combine ingredients, garnish with lemon twist. Serve in a highball glass, accompanied with a holier-than-thou mentality and some Nietzsche.

 

Cocktail 6

A tall, handsome European stranger and a whirlwind romance – for a few weeks at least. This can work with most of Europe – think French, Spanish, or as in the inspiration for this cocktail, Austrian. It’s packed full of alcohol to help you ignore the thick accent, and the fact that their grandparents were probably Nazis.

2 shots peach schnapps
3/4 cup apple juice
Austrian beer (try Stiegl)
Peach slices

Add juice and schnapps to a stein. Pour beer to top, and garnish with slices. Gesundheit.

 

Cocktail 1

Three hours of meditation in the morning, followed by musings on the most recent trip to India. Hemp clothing and insufferable opinions optional.

1 shot tequila
1 shot triple sec
1 shot fresh lime juice
Plain organic Kombucha to top
Ice
Himalayan rock salt for the rim
Honey to taste

Serve in a Mason Jar. Salt the rim, combine ingredients and use honey to taste. Consider keeping it non-alcoholic for an appropriately unsatisfying finish.

 

Cocktail 5

Upside: has money and a car.

Downside: their successful life may bring on an existential crisis when compared to how tenuously held-together yours is. Complete with a vermouth dryer than their work stories.

 

2 shots rye whiskey
1 shot dry vermouth
Few dashes bitters
Maraschino cherry

Combine whiskey and vermouth, before adding bitters and the cherry. Serve in a martini glass, and try your best not to add any Coke.

 

Cocktail 4

Constant calls and Facebook messages, always needing validation and compliments, and getting passive aggressive whenever you go out without them. A sickly sweet taste that just won’t take a hint.

1 shot lychee liquor
1 shot vanilla vodka
1 shot peach syrup
Apple juice to top
Ice
Peach slices to garnish

Combine ingredients, garnish with peach slices. Serve in a highball glass. Sip away while blocking their number.

The Gym Junkie

Always having to schedule things around extended workout sessions, and conversations centred around mad gains and the bench press. Extra points if they go to the uni gym, and seem to always work out right next to the glass window opening onto Tin Alley.

2 scoops chocolate protein powder

1 shot Baileys

1 shot Kahlua

2 shots cooled coffee

Skim or soy milk to top

Ice

Combine ingredients in a blender, and blend until smooth. Pour into a highball glass, and enjoy with a straw, while checking your progress in the mirror.

The Cheater

The one that you know deep down is awful, but part of you always comes crawling back. Packed with a wicked punch to help you work up the courage to finally tell them (or yourself) to cut the shit out.

1/2 shot Tequila

1/2 shot Vodka

½ shot Gin

½ shot White Rum

1 shot Blue Curacao

1 shot fresh lemon juice

Lemonade to top

Ice

Fresh lemon to garnish

Combine spirits and lemon juice in a highball glass filled with ice, top with lemonade and garnish. Blast Beyoncé’s Lemonade throughout, and drink away while giving yourself a pep talk in the mirror. You got this.