Comment

Dating Advice From The Bachelor(ette)

4 October 2016

Winter is over. It’s time to shave your legs (or face), put away the onesie and venture outside into the dating pool. The arrival of spring marks the blossoming of new relationship opportunities and we are here to help you narrow down all of the potential Bachelors and Bachelorettes in your life. Here are a few tips and tricks to guide you along the way, with a little help from Chris Harrison and Osher Günsberg.

 

Always make a good first impression, based on looks.

Whether you walk out of a limo, a helicopter or on a horse to meet the future #loveofyourlife, first impressions are crucial. Potential suitors are likely to meet 20 or so other tributes in a night, so don’t be afraid to do something different. Sparkly dresses or heartfelt serenades accompanied by an acoustic guitar are perfect for this. So are red lips – but this could get messy since kisses on the first date are a must (see Always kiss on a first date). If all else fails, use awkward puns and forced laughter, although this technique is highly overused.

 

Always kiss on a first date.

Your potential significant other is currently hooking up with multiple other suitors. You need to step it up and slip it in – your tongue, of course.  A passionate make-out sesh after a successful date isn’t just nice, it’s essential if you want your relationship to have a long, romantic future. If you want it to go really well, light some candles, hire a small orchestra, draw them a chocolate bath and get messy.

 

Always keep your options open and have a backup (or 12).

Whoever says less is more is wrong. You wouldn’t limit yourself to one type of pizza for the rest of your life, so why limit yourself to one partner? Once you get to know them all, mostly sexually, eliminate your options. One by one. Publicly. Pitting your suitors against each other is fun too. How else will you know who is willing to embarrass themselves the most for your affection?

 

Get someone else to plan all of your dates (but make sure you take credit for it).

Elaborate dates are essential. You need to wow your significant other(s) every time you spend time together because sometimes personality just isn’t enough. Hot air balloons are optional. Helicopters and hot tubs are essential. Maybe start off the date by conquering your biggest fear together. Start by scaling a building and end the night by renting out a stadium, filling it with rose petals and professing your feelings through a poem. What could go wrong?

 

Always act like someone is watching, because they probably are.

Make sure every moment is as dramatic and drawn out as possible. You want your date to be sitting on the edge of their seat the entire time. Slip in a quick ad break just before you lean in for a kiss. Make every moment as Instagrammable and Snapchattable as possible because if it wasn’t on social media, did it really happen? Don’t forget to keep an eye out for cameras in the bushes and strategically placed ring lights.

 

If they don’t get you flowers, specifically roses, you’re probably getting dumped.

Material gifts are very important for showing love and affection, with roses being no exception. Traditionally, a red rose is a symbol of endless dedication and undying love. Therefore, they must present you with at least one red rose after every date in order to keep your constant attention and affection. If you don’t receive a rose, don’t bother seeing them again.

 

Always use protection.

You never know how many other people they are sleeping with. Or in some cases, you do. It is very likely that they are hooking up with multiple people at once. On the same day. Right after you. No matter how many times they say it’s only you, it’s not. Therefore the appropriate contraceptive and STI preventatives are essential. Otherwise you might be catching more than feelings and spending your next date at the doctor’s office.

 

Never tell someone you love them until you’re engaged.

Hook up all you want but never ever ever reveal your true feelings for them unless you are sure you are going to get married. Saving the big ‘I love you’ is essential. And when you do get engaged, make sure it’s at the beach, on live television. The stakes are high so turn on the water works and make sure you find the biggest, sparkliest ring possible. How else will the person you’ve been dating for two months know you love them?

The good news is that at the end of all of this, you may find the love of your life. And if not, there’s always next season.