Breaking (the) News

The Future of Union House is on the Chopping Block

27 February 2017

As the relocation of the student precinct begins, the future of Union House has finally been decided: in 2017, The Block will be taking over.

After an episode of Channel Ten’s Masterchef was filmed in the University car park last year, the Provost decided to take the next step and host the renovation show at Union House. With four teams and four levels, it will be a race to prove who can create the best selling apartments in a mere six months.

With preparations underway, the popular Bands and Bevs live music event has been cancelled to make way for a giant chalk scoreboard that has been fitted with pyrotechnics, and multiple cardboard cut outs of Scott Cam smiling without his teeth.

Scott Cam will be scaling the walls of the building and Farrago has been informed that promotional filming will take place throughout O-Week.

UMSU President Yan Zhuang insisted that the presence of the show on campus may prove more beneficial than initially thought.

“It will give Anthropology and Media students something to observe for assessments and Environments students will be able to see the real-life workings of the construction industry. Also, I really want to meet Shelley Craft, preferably while I’m wearing a hard hat.”

Arts student Jonathan Gao is worried about the economic effects of closing Union House.

“I swear, if they don’t build another Egg Sake Bistro in the new Union House I’m moving to La Trobe,” he said.

“I come in with literally only $7.50 a day – do they have that kind of value for money in Bundoora? I didn’t think so.”

Others, such as Commerce student Kaitlyn Crossmore, are worried about how privacy for students will be upheld on the set of one of Channel 9’s headlining programs.

“Honestly, I don’t really care about cameras filming me, as long as I’m wearing 2XU. If they catch me outside without it, I’m going to lodge a formal complaint, how about that?” she said.

Over the course of Semester One, students will be able to meet contestants as they endlessly paint, hammer random objects and dramatize regular conversations for the camera.

Vice Chancellor Glyn Davis is concerned about the aesthetic of the renovation, and has made some special requests of the teams as they design their apartments to fit within University guidelines.

“I really hope they put in one of those cool sinks with motion censored taps. Or those industrial globe lights – that would be nice. I’m just excited for work to get underway. Tools down!” he laughed.

This year’s contestants include the classic best-friends/mums team, a bearded Fitzroy boutique carpenter and his vintage-loving wife, an aggressively homoerotic male duo who are almost always shirtless, and an elderly couple who plan to use the prize money for a third negatively-geared property.

Union House will soon be filled with the echoed screams of Shaynna Blaze and the constant dragging of furniture by local tradies. More details to come.

‘Breaking (the) News’ is Farrago’s satire column and is not to be taken seriously.

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