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Tips & Tricks to Becoming a Modern, 21st Century Woman

29 March 2017

  WORSHIP SATAN

Converting to Satanism is a fantastic way to prepare yourself for your journey to becoming a modern woman. Other religions are way too mainstream. Just don’t forget to shower yourself in pig’s blood every night.

DATE SOMEONE INTERESTING

Formulating a relationship with a man is overrated. Take your  dog on a date instead! Their qualities include licking, biting and barking, but their greatest attribute is that they’re always up for a midnight stroll. Just don’t forget to bring a stick to throw for them!

GIVE A SINCERE APOLOGY

Since all the past apologies in your pathetic womanly life had been fabricated, start by apologising for your very existence. But don’t stop there, apologise for every single mistake that has taken place on earth. Which of course are all your fault.

 

HAVE A CONVERSATION

Before you were transformed from mundane woman to modern woman, you’d never actually had a conversation in your life. So start now by verbalising your thoughts and communicating, for the very. First. Time.

CHANGE YOUR LOOKS

Dress yourself down. Throw out your make-up. Shave your head. Remove your eyeballs. You can even chop off all your limbs. Any one of these styles will allow you to seem like a genuinely original woman.

 

WEAR A NEW NAIL COLOUR

A bright red colour is a remarkable way to stand out. Just don’t tell anyone that it’s made from the blood of the men you refuse to date.

 

WEAR TRENDY SUNGLASSES

They will cover your eyes from bright rays of sun or any unwanted glares directed at you by the traditionally mundane.

 

DRESS FOR YOUR BODY SHAPE

Many long to have the physique of an hour glass, pear or apple. Resemble the shape of a pizza instead! Try accentuating the triangle shape of your figure by wearing a tight jumpsuit.