Shit Movie Pitches

Malcolm Y

23 June 2017

Pitch:

Ever seen a film and thought it was good, but could have been great? That’s what remakes are for! Malcolm Y will be a remake of the film Malcolm X (Lee, 1992) but this time with an all-white cast. This one’ll be sure to rake in the audiences, presenting the same political message of racial tolerance, but without making white conservative audiences uncomfortable! Who ever said that whitewashing had to be a bad thing? It will be directed by and star Mel Gibson, who must be a great guy because he was nominated for an Oscar a few months back. You may be wary at this stage, but just wait until you see the scenes Gibson improvised – he didn’t even know the cameras were on!

Excerpt:

INT. COURTROOM – MIDDAY

A JUDGE sits at the bench while MALCOLM Y and the DEFENDANT sit opposite each other at their respective tables.

JUDGE
It has come to my attention that Malcolm Y has been deemed a dope motherfucker. With that, we must move into round two of the Justice Game. Time for cage fighting!

DEFENDANT
Your Honour, this is an outrageous abuse of your power! The only difference between me and Malcolm Y is that I’m a person of colour and he’s not!

JUDGE
Don’t you dare try to turn this civil rights trial into a matter of race! If you can’t stand the heat, get out of my kitchen.

MALCOLM Y
But your Honour, this is a courtroom, not a kitchen.

JUDGE
(incredulous) What?

The judge stands and reveals they are holding a spatula.

JUDGE (CONT’D)
You mean I’ve been flipping burgers this whole time for nothing?

A pile of uneaten burgers sits beside the evidence.

JUDGE (CONT’D)
The only way to determine this case is a good old-fashioned burger eating contest!

MALCOLM Y
Now this is some democratic process I can get around!

Malcolm Y retrieves a fork from his jacket pocket and a knife from the evidence. He proceeds to consume all the burgers as the others look on in horror.

DEFENDANT
He’s a monster – an eating machine! May God have mercy on us all!

MALCOLM Y
I am God, motherfucker.

Malcolm Y slings the knife across the courtroom and through the defendant’s throat, decapitating him instantly. His head flies out the window and into a nearby field where children proceed to kick it like a soccer ball.

JUDGE
I consider this case closed.

POPEY $T NICHOLL$ enters.

ALL
Popey $t Nicholl$!

POPEY
Yes, ‘tis I, your spiritual king. I now anoint you Saint Malcolm, El Presidente of the United States of Racial-Equality-Land, otherwise known as America.

MALCOLM
Fuck you, Popey, I’m Lord of the Vatican now!

Malcolm snatches Popey’s Pope-hat (that’s zucchetto to all you religious folks out there). The decapitated head is kicked back inside through the open window.

POPEY, JUDGE and DECAPITATED HEAD
All hail Malcolm Y.

A newspaper spins onto screen with the headline: “Malcolm Y Wins Burger Eating Contest, Becomes Pope, Saves the Children”.

Another spins over top with the headline: “Malcolm Y Survives Assassination Attempt Malcolm X Never Could: Here’s 10 Reasons Why! Number Six Will PERPETUATE and VALIDATE All Your Unconscious Racial Prejudices!

In the corner, a much smaller article reads: “Civil Rights Victory, I guess”.


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