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Seven and a Half Things I Hate About Winter

5 July 2017

I have a few bones to pick with winter. Granted, I love getting to hide my comfort food weight gain under layers of black clothes. I also love Wynter Gordon (‘Dirty Talk’ is a bop), but that’s a whole other thing. But there’s so much more to hate about this season. Probably not for the reasons you think, though. Allow me to indulge in seven and a half winter-themed rants.

Pube jumpers
Obviously people need to rug up to keep warm in the winter. I get that. There are a multitude of clothing options: jackets, jumpers, sweatshirts, thermals, coats and so on. So there’s no excuse to wear what I have coined as the ‘pube jumper’. They’re those fluffy women’s jumpers that have those long strands of material sticking out of them. Basically, they look like someone’s shaved off their pubic hair, knitted it together and marketed it as ‘fashion’. What’s even worse is that they come in a range of different colours, patterns and cuts. They’re fugly and gross – there’s just no other way to put it. Ever since these hideous creatures were first birthed into the world a few years ago, they have become a women’s fashion staple. And winter marks the time when they’ll be brought out from the back of the closet (where they belong) to see the light of day.

People mixing seasonal fashion
On a related note, nothing ticks me off more than when I see people mixing their seasonal fashion. I’m talking about people wearing scarves with t-shirts. That kind of messed up shit. It’s all kinds of wrong. Mainly because I don’t understand how someone’s body temperature could mean that their head is cold enough to wear a beanie, but their legs are feeling warm enough to wear shorts. Don’t even get more started on when people wear a full summer outfit on a 10°C day. You’re lying to yourself if you say you’re not cold.

Umbrellas
People often complain about winter because of the rain. I’m not that bothered by the rain in all honesty, but there are a few things that do piss me off about umbrellas. Firstly, there’s buying the perfect umbrella. You have the choice of purchasing either a massive one that’s a pain to carry around with you, or a fold-up one that fits in your bag but will get rekt by the wind within five seconds. In the end, they aren’t even that much more convenient – after you’ve finished walking in the rain, you can’t even put the umbrella back in your bag, because you’ll get everything else wet.
Also worth noting is that opening up your umbrella in the rain among your friends is like opening a pack of gum or a bag of chips. People will all crowd around you and grab at your umbrella to try to stay dry. As a result, we’ll often end up awkwardly being half under the umbrella and half in the rain, meaning we’ll all get wet anyway. This pisses me off, because I was the one who took the initiative to buy one and carry it around with me. To my umbrella-less friends: piss off and buy your own one.

Pee shivers
Have you ever gone to the toilet and randomly shivered as you’re peeing? Well you’re not the only one. After many conversations, I’ve established that pee shivers are a legit thing. I’m not sure what the science is behind the phenomenon, but I have my own hypothesis. Obviously it’s cold in winter, and going to pee involves exposing your genitals to the cold air. And what happens when you’re exposed to the cold air? You shiver. Like that Natalie Imbruglia song. You might be wondering what frustrates me about this so much. Well, just imagine the mess a guy can make if he shivers while peeing. Trust me, it’s not fun to clean up urine off the toilet floor at seven in the morning.

Heating
During winter, people swear by heaters. Like, I’m kind of surprised there isn’t some obscure cult that worships a heater as their religious idol. Or there might be. Who knows? But heater worshippers have this slightly manic look in their eyes, and will not hesitate to glare at you angrily if you accidentally block their exposure to warmth. I’ve been the victim of much vicious gutter talk when I’ve asked to have heating turned off or threatened to turn it off myself. Heaters make people crazy.
Another reason I hate heating is because I dress myself in winter for the cold weather. So I’ll layer thermals, jumpers and jackets to beat the wintry conditions outside. Then when I step into a 22 degree room, I’ll have to take off everything. Which also sucks because I won’t be able to hide my winter weight. But it also means that I’ll probably get sick, because my body constantly has to adapt to different temperatures. Dealing with Melbourne weather is enough stress, you rude heater bitches.

Soup 
I decided to save this item for the the end of my list of things that piss me off about winter, mainly because it’s one of the most contentious. Some people froth it, and others (like me) would consider it warm baby food for adults. I understand why people like it – soup provides a warm contrast to the cold weather. But nothing about blended up vegetables is appealing to me. There’s just no texture at all; it’s just a glorified smoothie. And don’t even get me started on people who treat a soup as an adequate meal. It’s not. In this regard, I put it in the same boat as salad. Maybe it’d suffice as an entree, but don’t pretend you’re satisfied with a bowl of pumpkin soup for dinner. You’re lying to yourself. Or at least show me your ways, because I still need to get rid of this winter weight somehow.

Snifflers and Snorters
I wasn’t sure whether to count people sniffling and snorting as one or two items on the list. I felt like they needed to be addressed as two separate issues, but since they are borne of the same problem, I decided to count them as one and a half.
I feel like people who catch public transport regularly are so used to this by now. But next time you get on board a train, just listen. Once you start hearing the sound of people sloshing around their snot, you’ll never be the same. It’s kind of like this awful public transport passenger symphony. I get that winter is the season of sickness. But if you’re sick, stay at home – or at least blow your nose. And I think it’s the fact that when you’re sniffling, it means you’re breathing your nasal discharge back in your nose to prevent it from dripping. Snorting is even more disgusting. It’s pretty much sucking all your snot down your throat. The worst part is that people are so nonchalant about it, like they don’t even know they’re being gross; they’ll just sit on the train and snort repeatedly without a care in the world.