Breaking (the) News

UniMelb to Increase Length of Rows in Lecture Theatres

13 July 2017

The University of Melbourne has recently announced new upgrades to campus buildings, with bigger lecture theatres to be introduced so all students can sit at the ends of rows.

According to information gathered exclusively by the Farrago investigative reporting team, construction work will once again disrupt students coming into Semester 2. The expansions are set to begin in late August.

The renovations, which will see all lecture theatres almost tripled in size, will cost the University upwards of $12 million.

Vice Chancellor, Glyn Davis, assured Farrago that the changes would be worth the money.

“We find that a lot of students avoid their classmates in lectures, and prefer to sit on their own so they can fully immerse themselves in the class content. This new initiative seeks to maximise productivity and efficiency. I think we’ll see a spike in attendance like never before,” he said.

When asked about how this new seating plan would affect student wellbeing, University of Melbourne Student Union (UMSU) Welfare Officer, Ryan Davey, praised this step forward by University administration.

“The majority of students hate their classmates. Making fake friends in lectures is almost as bad as those ‘Fun Facts About You’ introductions we’re forced to do in tutorials,” he said. “Bring on the endless labyrinth of rows and aisles, I say.”

After approaching over 100 students, the Farrago reporting team was able to gauge just how students received the news of these changes. Many students were unable to answer, as they claimed never to have attended a lecture in person.

Students who did attend lectures gave varied responses to the proposed construction site. Bachelor of Arts student, Mikaylah White, was excited by the thought of being able to have more privacy in what can often be a tightly packed lecture theatre.

“Now I don’t have to put my brightness on low when I’m on ASOS. I can finally buy my dashikis and headdresses without having some liberal wanker breathing down my neck,” she said.

Some students even went as far as to threaten abstaining from lectures altogether. Third year Bachelor of Science student, Alan Perez was one such student.

“Fuck it, I might not even show up to class at all. Soon enough, tutorials will have more tables than students just so they don’t have to share. How is a tutor supposed to take attendance if he can’t even see the back wall of the room?” he said.

When asked if perhaps it was the lectures themselves that were deterring students, Davis stressed that intensive research had been done to quell any such suspicion.

“I think we would know if our students didn’t like coming to lectures,” he emphasised. “That’s what the SES surveys are for.”

‘Breaking (the) News’ is Farrago’s satire column and is not to be taken seriously.