Columns

Plight of the Hunter

18 July 2017

Pitch:

Back here at the office, we were thinking about ‘family movies’ and how they seldom appeal to the entire family. So we decided to blend this ultimately playful genre with the most serious genre we could think of – film-noir.
The idea is this: a brilliant detective, Blake Bigcock, is enlisted by Baby van Babycheeks to compile a dossier of top secret information on an elusive mastermind. The twist? Blake is the mastermind. Get ready to go on the road this summer with an incredible journey of self-discovery, jaded masculinity and uncomfortable genre-fusion, where the only villains are untapped feelings. If that doesn’t sell it to you, maybe Blake’s wisecracking partner, Fifi the Talking Slug, will! You all love dogs – why not slugs too? And, spoiler alert, they fall in love! This is the ultimate family movie!
And yeah, we kinda gave Jared Leto a role as a slug, because he’s just so darned transformative! He’s renowned as a bit of a character – gifting cast and crew used condoms, mailing a dead pig to the set on his day off and beating a defenceless child in a McDonald’s bathroom. Wacky, right?

Excerpt:

INT. SHADOWY CARAVAN – MIDDAY

BLAKE BIGCOCK sits in an armchair by the window. Light comes in, patterned by half-drawn Venetian blinds. A woman, BABY VAN BABYCHEEKS, sits across from the detective. The vehicle is moving.

BLAKE BIGCOCK (V.O.)
I had van Babycheeks in my office. The weather was cool and so was the mood. I was feeling…uneasy.

BLAKE (CONT’D)
Tell me, Babycheeks, why did you call in?

BABY VAN BABYCHEEKS
I need to know your progress, Detective.

BLAKE
Well, Babycheeks, probing my records, I found some unexpected dirt on me.

BABYCHEEKS
Do tell!

BLAKE
The main thing was a silly misunderstanding the department covered up. And by silly misunderstanding, I mean accidental shooting. And by accidental, I mean fully intentional and you’re damn right I’d do it again.

BABYCHEEKS
Shut up, you fool! We need something less provocative than that! How else will we recoup our budget at the box office?

BLAKE
Well, I also found out my father is not my biological father.

The detective looks out the window introspectively. Babycheeks retrieves a notebook from her pocket, props glasses on her face and begins writing, like a counsellor.

BABYCHEEKS
And how did that make you feel?

Blake turns back with tears in his eyes.

BLAKE
Daddy didn’t love me!

BABYCHEEKS
Now now, Detective, I’m trained as a vapid supporting character, not a counsellor.

The detective miraculously has no tears in his eyes, as if nothing happened.

BLAKE
Of course.

The caravan swerves.

BABYCHEEKS
My God, Blake! Who’s driving?

BLAKE
Why, it’s Fifi the Talking Slug!

We see the steering wheel. A very realistic slug is slumped on it, obviously unable to drive. It wriggles to reveal Jared Leto’s miniature, nigh-unrecognisable face.

FIFI
Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout, Blakey baby?

BLAKE
Just you, silly!

FIFI
Come here and give Daddy a kiss.

Blake approaches Fifi and begins voraciously making out with the slug. The slug disappears from sight. After a moment, Blake stops.

BLAKE
Oh my God, I just ate Fifi!

FIFI (O.S.)
Not so fast, Blakey boy!

Blake rolls onto his back and Fifi bursts from his chest, Alien-style. Blake screams but the slug latches to his lips.

FIFI
Shhh, darling.

Baby van Babycheeks looks on in horror as the man she yearned to know makes desperate love to a slug. During the act, Blake plays an electric guitar and then high fives himself in a mirror.