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Christmas Down Under

30 July 2017

After careful deliberation, it has become apparent to some observant Australians that we have been celebrating Christmas during the wrong season. Perhaps it is the heat that makes us a little befuddled and we find ourselves hanging up stockings by the fireplace and singing about snow. Various unassuming trendsetters have subsequently decided to straighten things out and conduct their merriments when the weather is truly beckoning us to the fireplace (or to the electric heater).

This does not imply that this conversion is a simple matter. It has been found that many individuals with a traditionalist penchant tend to view December as a month of religious and historic significance, thus giving greater meaning to Yule time festivities. Yet I wish to challenge this perspective by presenting three fundamental reasons why July is far superior to December when it comes down to the nitty gritty of clumpy turkey stuffing and lopsided tree decoration.

  1. The Element of Surprise: When we have finally arrived at the 25th of December, we have already been drenched by Michael Bublé’s Christmas Album in every enclosed space containing a cash register. We can recite all the verses of Silent Night and Come All Ye Faithful to the point where they begin to have menacing double entendres and intervene with our much-needed recuperative sleep. After a multitude of tastings at the Baker’s Delight counter, mince pies and Christmas puddings have now blended into one with the brash red and green wallpaper, losing all tantalising effect on our somewhat wearied tastebuds. This is why planning festivities in July creates a little world of Christmas heaven all contained within the one day. The absence of the notoriously long lead up will enable all guests to relish in the Christmas spirit that has befallen them on this singular, extraordinary day. Never will a mince pie be eaten with such gusto, or a carol sung with such passionate zeal. And nor shall one see such delirious dancing about the Christmas tree akin to that seen in a frenzied attempt to rid one’s clothes of a wayward bee.
  2. The Legitimate Need for Warmth: What has been greatly lacking in the December celebrations is the complete absence of genuine Christmas attire. How do we expect to feel jolly if we do not even dress the part? Christmas in July, however, enables us to bask in the cheery comfort and unprecedented style of the modest Cristmas jumper. These jumpers immediately halt any Christmas-bauble-jealousy that may be felt among guests. This is because guests immediately feel that they are just as ornately adorned – if not more so – than every other Christmas decoration in the vicinity. They have, therefore, become the personification of Christmas itself. Moreover, the addition of a real fireplace around which guests huddle for heat, greatly increases the opportunity of bonding amongst them. The close proximity of many jumpered bodies bumping and leaning against each other naturally translates to the emotional closeness felt among the cohort. One cannot feel alone when cradled in the dense wool of slightly boggle-eyed reindeer motifs.
  3. Unrestrained Choice of Guests: A huge (arguably greatest) advantage of undertaking one’s Yule time festivities in July, is that one need not notify the family of the date change. If they are unsuspecting that any merriment will be conducted at this time, they will become quite content in their own ignorance of the event – what guiltless delight this does engender! As a result, one may be completely free to invite the guests that one most desires to see on such a jovial day. This select group will most likely not be made up of people who will narrate detailed accounts of people you have never met; ask insistent questions about your love life or fall asleep before dessert has been served. Instead, guests will be of the carousing kind – those most likely to yodel to the tune of We Wish You a Merry Christmas whilst busying themselves making enchanting Christmas-themed cocktails and, most importantly, doing all of your dishes while brandishing off the reasons why your Christmas clearly trumps all others. Yes, all your Christmas dreams will come true.

So when you next find yourself engulfed in the giddy haze of the Christmas build-up, don’t let this squash your rosy Yule time glow. Always remember that the 25th of July remains at your full disposal to manifest your most ardent merrymaking fantasies.