Culture

Queer Eye on the Straight Guy: Episode One – Guess Who’s Back?

6 August 2017
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With a spring in his step, seasoned Bachelor Matty J’s back (back again) after his rather-fucking-brutal dumping by Georgia Love last year.

Almost looking like he didn’t have his heart ripped out his chest and tossed off the side of a lush Singaporean rooftop just under a year ago, Australia’s Golden Boy has returned to Channel 10 to perform the age-old ritual of finding a wife on TV. Each state will send its best, most fertile delegates to compete in a cut-throat series of humiliating challenges designed to break the sanity and will of even the most self-possessed of tributes – hold on, that’s the Hunger Games.

Of course, the show opens with a useful recap of last year’s public sacrifice of Matty J’s heart to the reality TV Gods. Then: obligatory shots of Matty J’s chest, Matty J’s chest wistfully gazing out over the ocean, Matty J’s chest running down a beach in slow motion, Matty J’s chest showering and covered in water droplets, Matty J’s chest playing with his infant nephew in a pool, Matty J’s chest putting on a suit.

Wait, who’s the star of this show again?

After going to extreme lengths to showcase Matty J’s overall date-ability (see: parental prowess, nice to his mum, employed, looks good holding a surfboard, etc, etc), we finally get to the good part: Osher’s Hair and The Ladies.

BUT WAIT.

Well, obviously funds are low this year and they’ve had to cut money from the hair-gel budget, meaning drastic measures have had to be taken (re: Osher’s hair). It’s sky-high or nothing, ya know? But surely something could have been siphoned from the $200,000 pay cheque Matty J’s pocketing for his completely altruistic journey to find a wife. Or they could have started a GoFundMe page. Instead we’ve got some kind of trendy close shave on the sides and bouffant on top. They’ve swapped his sophisticated, luscious locks for something that teeters dangerously on fuckboy.

But enough of that, the oh-so-lucky tributes ladies are arriving. There’s twenty-one of them, so I’ll just mention the ones that most easily slot into the categories of villain, serious candidate and comic relief.

Villains: Jennifer (twenty-seven) and Leah (twenty-four) – both wearing the same dress in opposite colours. What a clever visual ploy the producers made here! Solidified by the even more indicative music choices which accompany these two vixens down the red carpet, Leah’s overt sexuality and Jennifer’s description of herself as “a catch” make it clear they’re nowhere near classy or demure enough to win Matty J’s heart.

Serious Candidates: Laura (thirty), Lisa (twenty-four), and Michelle (thirty-one). What do a jewellery designer who looks eerily like a certain former Bachelorette, a model and a police officer have in common? They’re all insanely hot, definitely ‘natural beauties’ and quietly confident. You see, the balance between wallflower and Cruella de Vil is somewhere between one’s appearance and affability. No bandage dresses or overkill make-up here! Don’t you see girls? Men really DO prefer the No-Make-Up-Look™!

Comic Relief: Tara (twenty-seven) and Natalie (twenty-six). I had questions about whether or not Tara will fit into this year’s Serious Candidates or the Comic Relief. As the episode goes on, she certainly provides good soundbites but I feel she’s this year’s Faith. They’ll have that “slow burn” Matty J keeps banging on about (I think that’s called chlamydia mate), which will project her into the Serious Candidate category, before it all falls through when Matty J realises that their ‘slow burn’ is actually just a really good friendship. Ultimately though? Her commentary will be the star of the show.

Natalie gets a whole fucking paragraph because BOY OH BOY was I rooting for a bisexual girl to take the stage here! But the second “turned straight” leaves her lips, I immediately want her evicted as soon as possible. However, her lack of decorum is just general wackiness rather than an overinflated ego, and her inappropriate comments are clumsy rather than blatantly sexual, so she’ll be this year’s ‘class clown’ who’ll last as long as the producers can convince Matty J to keep her around. And I see their reasoning. At one point, she’s repeating the word moist and sniffing her hands for Matty J’s man-scent. At another, she’s lying flat on her back, kicking her feet in the air. She even lifts a leg and lets one rip ON TV. HOW GLORIOUSLY UNLADYLIKE (according to the other tributes contestants). And it must have been pretty bad too, judging by the look on Jen’s face, which lasts all the way until Thursday’s episode.

Osher appears, informs the girls of a ‘Secret Garden’ – which, due to budget cuts, is just a bunch of candles and a couch in the corner of the ‘Non-Secret Garden’. This will be where Matty J leads the unsuspecting tributes bachelorettes when he wants to questions them UNINTERRUPTED about their family history of fertility and illnesses. This makes me long for Love Island, because at least they have sex on that show. Here, all we get are Leah’s half-drunk innuendos/puns.

The cocktail party then consists of not one but TWO major dramas. Firstly, Elizabeth (category undetermined) remarks on Jen’s (villain) dress. It’s “putrid”, apparently. This word is then repeated several times by both Jen and Elizabeth, and officially becomes the word of the week. Will Matty J’s season will hereon be referred to as the one which made “putrid” a viable fashion critique? And then there are tears (on the first night! The producers really lucked out here) and explanations, which only result in Jen’s ascent to Head Bitch, as she wishes the most cruellest of curses upon Elizabeth – no rose! How cruel.

We also have the spectacular entrance of Elora. Fire twirling batons and everything. It is, pun intended, hot as FUCK. If I were Matty J, I’d send all the other girls home on the spot. But then, I’m very shallow and primarily attracted to sparkly things. Is this love at first sight? She can definitely twirl MY batons anytime she likes.

Of course, some of the other girls aren’t that happy. The word “intruder” is thrown around – can someone be an intruder on the first night? Didn’t you guys arrive barely a couple of hours earlier? What do they put in that champagne to give you in incite such instantaneous possessiveness over a mere man? I mean sure, he’s got good abs, good bants, and nice hair, but the hostility towards this fire-twirling GODDESS feels a little over-the-top for the first night. But maybe I’m just protective. Anyway, she’s definitely marched into Serious Candidate category. What a babe.

Then there’s the rose ceremony, blah-di-blah, two girls who’ve had no screen time get sent home, blah-di-blah. Very routine, lots of suspenseful music, but of course, all of our main girls come through. Even Natalie. She’ll be here for at least a few more episodes, as she’s bloody comedic gold. Plus, she’s Caucasian. When did the White Australia Policy end again?