Breaking (the) News

Student Politician Denies Political Ambition, Fools No One

23 August 2017

Student politician, Jennifer ‘O-Week Queen’ Lee, has denied having future political ambitions, despite her unsubtle hopes of one day leading the Australian Labor Party to a landslide federal victory.

The third year Arts student announced last Tuesday that she is preparing to go “full campaign mode”, after sharing Julia Gillard’s Misogyny Speech on Facebook for the seventh time.

“As much as I would enjoy smiting the old white males in the Liberal-National Coalition and ushering in a history-making era of economic and social reform, I think I’ll settle for a career as a freelance political commentator, or a researcher for a left-leaning think-tank,” she said.

Lee currently serves as a University of Melbourne Student Union (UMSU) Office Bearer, and holds executive positions in the Cider Appreciation Society, the Bhakti Yoga Club, Students for Christ, the Breakdance Club, the Ring of Choir and the Melbourne University Potter Heads.

“I am extremely passionate about women’s rights, refugee rights and environmental protection,” she said. “If I am elected UMSU President, I will tackle these pertinent issues by hosting more trivia nights and providing more free barbeques.”

Lee faces fierce opposition from rival faction ‘Left Shout’. After failing to broker a cross-factional alliance, due to minor discrepancies over the sharing of positions on the Deputy-Sub Committee for Assisting the Co-Under Secretary to the Environment Officer, leader James ‘Bernie 2020’ McIntyre declared an all-out factional war.

“We’re going to hit them where it hurts,” he said, after joining his private school friends in a sing-along to the famous working-class union anthem of the early 1900s, ‘Solidarity Forever’.

“We’re not taking ‘no’ for an answer,” said McIntyre, a glint of unhinged desperation in his eyes. “I’ll chase them all the way to the Baillieu Library and shove these flyers down their throats if I have to.”

He was later suspended from campaigning for 24 hours for literally biting a political opponent and former close friend.

To increase its popularity, Left Shout has formed a coalition with the University’s most popular student club, the Beer Appreciation Party.

“I just fucking love beer,” said President, Jack Stevens. “Let’s do a fucking shoey!” he exclaimed, crying.

Meanwhile, a Liberal-voting male who wears a tweed blazer to his second year History classes has launched a scathing Facebook takedown of UMSU, decrying his generation’s lack of self-reliance and entrepreneurship.

“What has the union ever done for us?” he said, whilst finishing his third free sausage from an UMSU barbeque.

Across campus, far-left activist Pixie ‘Bourgeois Killa’ Love explained that student elections merely uphold the neoliberal status-quo. “The proletarian revolution is nigh,” Pixie said. “In the post-capitalist society, every barbeque on earth will be free anyway.”

‘Breaking (the) News’ is Farrago’s satire column and is not to be taken seriously.

Further disclosure: Benjamin Clark has previously campaigned in UMSU elections. Far too much of this satirical account comes from personal experience.