Badfellas8 September 2017
Badfellas is kind of like Goodfellas (Scorsese, 1990), except these fellas are bad as they come. They’re reckless, they’re badass and they don’t care. Starring Harrison Ford (rejuvenated by the unholy power of special effects ) as Michigan Jones, a twenty-five year-old stud, this crime caper follows him as he undergoes a surgery to become a monkey, undetectable to authorities. His catchphrase? “Step off, bi-atch, I ain’t flip-a-daddy round the side fo’ dis shid.” (That’s right, Harrison Ford, in monkey-form, says that – multiple times.)
INT. CAVE – NIGHT
MICHIGAN JONES, a robust twenty-five year-old in a brown fedora with a matching whip, stalks through darkness.
As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a monkey.
Michigan tugs on a stalagmite, which opens a secret door in the rocks. He peers in.
INT. SURGICAL LAB – NIGHT
Hello, Doctor! I’m ready for – Doctor?
We see DR FRANKENSTEIN in bed with a CORPSE.
I swear this is not what it looks like! The corpse consented!
It’s still necrophilia, baby.
Brian, must we have this conversation in front of Michigan?
If you didn’t want me talking, maybe you should’ve left my brain on the slab!
You know that’s not what I meant.
I can come back later.
No, no, the monkey’s here. You may as well come in.
Michigan nods uneasily and enters the room. There is an unconscious monkey hooked up to a machine.
DR FRANKENSTEIN (CONT’D)
If you could lie on the table beside the monkey, Michigan – I must ask you: are you sure you want a brain transplant into a monkey? It seems a mite unsafe and probably illegal.
Don’t tell me what to think, Doctor!
Of course not, Michigan. I was just checking you’d weighed up all the possibilities.
Step off, bi-atch, I ain’t flip-a-daddy round the side fo’ dis shid.
Dr Frankenstein nods. He looks to Brian, the corpse.
Bring the hacksaw!
Should I just brush off the blood and rust?
Michigan lies on the table.
DR FRANKENSTEIN (CONT’D)
Now, there’s one hiccup. We couldn’t remove the section of brain that controls the subconscious of the monkey. So that will be infused with your brain, Michigan.
Oh dear, Doctor. This is a hiccup indeed, for the thing I fear most in this world is the dreams of a monkey.
Dreams you should not fear. You should fear the nightmares!
Dr Frankenstein dives onto Michigan with the hacksaw and drives it into his shoulder.
This nightmare has just begun!
The corpse starts gnawing at Michigan’s leg.
INT. DARKENED BEDROOM – NIGHT
Oh, thank God. It was just a nightmare!
Michigan switches on a light to reveal he is, in fact, a monkey.
No! I certainly ain’t flip-a-daddy round the side fo’ dis shid!