Columns

Badfellas

8 September 2017

Pitch:

Badfellas is kind of like Goodfellas (Scorsese, 1990), except these fellas are bad as they come. They’re reckless, they’re badass and they don’t care. Starring Harrison Ford (rejuvenated by the unholy power of special effects ) as Michigan Jones, a twenty-five year-old stud, this crime caper follows him as he undergoes a surgery to become a monkey, undetectable to authorities. His catchphrase? “Step off, bi-atch, I ain’t flip-a-daddy round the side fo’ dis shid.” (That’s right, Harrison Ford, in monkey-form, says that – multiple times.)

Excerpt:

INT. CAVE – NIGHT

MICHIGAN JONES, a robust twenty-five year-old in a brown fedora with a matching whip, stalks through darkness.

MICHIGAN (V.O.)
As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a monkey.

Michigan tugs on a stalagmite, which opens a secret door in the rocks. He peers in.

INT. SURGICAL LAB – NIGHT

MICHIGAN
Hello, Doctor! I’m ready for – Doctor?

We see DR FRANKENSTEIN in bed with a CORPSE.

DR FRANKENSTEIN
I swear this is not what it looks like! The corpse consented!

CORPSE
It’s still necrophilia, baby.

DR FRANKENSTEIN
Brian, must we have this conversation in front of Michigan?

CORPSE
If you didn’t want me talking, maybe you should’ve left my brain on the slab!

DR FRANKENSTEIN
You know that’s not what I meant.

MICHIGAN
I can come back later.

DR FRANKENSTEIN
No, no, the monkey’s here. You may as well come in.

Michigan nods uneasily and enters the room. There is an unconscious monkey hooked up to a machine.

DR FRANKENSTEIN (CONT’D)
If you could lie on the table beside the monkey, Michigan – I must ask you: are you sure you want a brain transplant into a monkey? It seems a mite unsafe and probably illegal.

MICHIGAN
Don’t tell me what to think, Doctor!

DR FRANKENSTEIN
Of course not, Michigan. I was just checking you’d weighed up all the possibilities.

MICHIGAN
Step off, bi-atch, I ain’t flip-a-daddy round the side fo’ dis shid.

Dr Frankenstein nods. He looks to Brian, the corpse.

DR FRANKENSTEIN
Bring the hacksaw!

CORPSE
Should I just brush off the blood and rust?

DR FRANKENSTEIN
No time!

Michigan lies on the table.

DR FRANKENSTEIN (CONT’D)
Now, there’s one hiccup. We couldn’t remove the section of brain that controls the subconscious of the monkey. So that will be infused with your brain, Michigan.

MICHIGAN
Oh dear, Doctor. This is a hiccup indeed, for the thing I fear most in this world is the dreams of a monkey.

CORPSE
Dreams you should not fear. You should fear the nightmares!

Dr Frankenstein dives onto Michigan with the hacksaw and drives it into his shoulder.

DR FRANKENSTEIN
This nightmare has just begun!

The corpse starts gnawing at Michigan’s leg.

CORPSE
Sweet nutrients!

Michigan screams.

FADE OUT

INT. DARKENED BEDROOM – NIGHT

MICHIGAN
Oh, thank God. It was just a nightmare!

Michigan switches on a light to reveal he is, in fact, a monkey.

MICHIGAN
No! I certainly ain’t flip-a-daddy round the side fo’ dis shid!