Macca’s Mayhem

15 October 2017

Listen to Monique and Jack read the piece below

Macca’s – a word so familiar to the everyday Australian that it’s practically part of the culture. Whether it’s ten nuggets at 2am after a night out, an epic 8th birthday party or a drive thru ‘Macca’s run’, the Macca’s golden arches are universally recognisable. Melbourne hasn’t been voted the world’s most livable city for seven years running because of its public transport system or its thriving arts scene. No, it’s because every street corner in the CBD plays host to those golden arches.

And so we, Jack and Monique, put our physical health on the line in order to give you the lowdown on the best Macca’s in Melbourne. In a never before attempted stunt, we challenged ourselves to visit five different McDonald’s in five hours, ordering a different meal at every restaurant – our very own Maccas Marathon. Here’s what happened.

Disclaimer: We are trained professionals. Do not try this at home.

Early Bird(shit) Hot Spot
Location: Swanston/Flinders Street
Time: 10:30am
Monique: Bacon and Egg McMuffin, Hash Brown, Choc Chip Hotcake, OJ
Jack: Sausage and Egg McMuffin, Hash Brown, Choc Chip Hotcake (with DIY Butter), OJ After a slightly delayed start (we were too busy taking selfies), the first stop on our epic adventure took us to the Macca’s right near Flinders Station, just in time for brunch. Upon entry, we were greeted with aesthetic menu boards decorated with Minions merch. The glow from the screens reflected in Jack’s eyes. Having ordered enough breakfast food for an entire day, we weaved through the birds that were dive-bombing the empty tables for McMuffin scraps. Wanting a quiet space away from the avian hustle and bustle of downstairs, we ventured upstairs for some secluded seating. As we walked up we were met with the stone-cold death stares of five school students and one disgruntled manager. We had accidentally stumbled into a job interview. We settled on eating downstairs, on a cute two-person table, decorated with a few piles of bird poop, that Monique unluckily stuck her hand in after mistaking them for choc chips, and tucked into our brekky.
Rating: 3.5/5

Riverside Retreat
Location: Southbank
Time: 11:20am
Order: 10 Nuggets, Medium Fries
After the long and windy trek from the other side of the river, we arrived at stop number two. The first thing we noticed was that it was Lit AF. No, literally, the sunlight was streaming in (we took advantage of this and took more selfies). Monique almost mistook this Macca’s for Vincent the Dog. The decor was stunning – as if taken straight from an Ikea catalogue. The plants mounted on the wall made this Macca’s Insta-worthy. The sweet sounds of Carly Rae Jepsen and Owl City’s ‘Good Time’ serenaded us over speakers as we placed our second order of the day. And what an order. Our nugs were crisp and golden – a fresh batch. The only downside to this heavenly location was they gave us a single sweet ‘n sour sauce. The audacity! It cost them their perfect score.
Rating: 4.5/5

The Belly of the Beast
Location: Crown Casino
Time: 12:30pm
Monique: Grilled Peri Peri Chicken Wrap, Small Fries, Small Sprite
Jack: Chicken Caesar Wrap, Medium Fries, Medium Coke
The third stop was very hard to find, buried in the heart of Crown Casino. It’s one of those places you can only find by accident in a drunken stupor, after you’ve lost it all at the pokies. We were feeling the effects of our first two meals so we let out a sigh of relief when we saw that this Macca’s had plush booths available. A TV playing recent pop hits hypnotised us as we sat in the dimly lit and seedy booth, slipping into delirium in this forgotten corner of the world. Again, Carly Rae Jespen decided to join in on the fun (a paid sponsorship no doubt), with ‘Call Me Maybe’ becoming the backing track for our lunch. The meals on the other hand? One bite into Monique’s wrap and liquid oozed out onto the table. Ew. Every bite was a struggle, as we were close to being sick. After finishing our meals, we slid down the booth and attempted to nap away the stomach aches.
Rating: 2/5

Filet O Fuck Off
Location: Queen Victoria Markets
Time: 1:45pm Order: Filet O Fish, Frozen Lemon Lime Bitters
At the start of the day we had decided that for one meal, we would choose something for each other to consume. It just so happened we had both chosen Filet O Fish, and for the exact same reason – it sounded absolutely disgusting. We entered the Queen Vic Macca’s, stomachs churning in anticipation. The Macca’s was busy and loud. We ordered our fishy delights from the highly effective but sticky self-ordering screens, resisting the tantalizing option of adding four extra slabs of fish. We sat down, and were faced with square Alaskan Pollock fillets encased in cardboard-like bread, with something that was supposed to resemble tartare sauce smeared across the ‘burger’. One bite in and Monique gagged, immediately spitting it out. Jack, on the other hand, powered through and managed to fit it in his mouth in about five seconds. We were left wondering what sort of sick person chooses the Filet O Fish willingly. We washed it down with a lovely frozen drink – the only saving grace to this awful stopover.
Rating: 1.5/5

Hipsters’ Delight
Location: Barkly Square, Brunswick Time: 2:45pm
Monique: Large Chocolate Sundae
Jack: Malteser McFlurry
The last stop on our journey called for a little city getaway, venturing into the inner suburbs. We arrived at Barkly Square feeling very full, and very sleepy. On entry, the cleanliness of the store left a lot to be desired, and the ambience was definitely lacking. It was time to treat ourselves to some sweet servings of dessert. After being tricked into upgrading from a small to a large Sundae, we squished into a small secluded area in the sun. The absence of Carly Rae Jepsen overhead and any TV for entertainment was noted, but our desserts truly satisfied our sweet tooth. While we sat in the sun, we reflected on the past five hours of Macca’s mayhem. We had reached the end of our journey. We had survived.
Rating: 3/5

This piece is in no way sponsored by McDonald’s. We just have no self-control.

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