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History

Australian PMs Ranked By Hotness

19 April 2018
AustralianPMs_CathyChen

I never thought Australian history was interesting until I studied it in year 12, and now it’s a core part of my Australiana aesthetic (i.e. VB, wombats and Midnight Oil). This includes niche boring shit like our federal leaders—who cares, right? I do. And so I come to the question: How do you make prime ministers interesting to other people?

If BuzzFeed has taught me anything, it’s to rank them by physical appearance. And so, although I’m usually against objectifying people, I’m going to do that right now. It’s okay. These people have, at some point or another, been the most powerful individuals in the country (except for the governor- general, who wasn’t that important until one time in the ‘70s, but I’ll get back to that later). This top-five list is based on which leaders I think are the most physically attractive and does not take into account their political party (though my bias does show within their summaries, so have fun with that).

Note: Tony Abbott fails to make an appearance because, as one of my friends pointed out, “It’s illegal to fuck a reptile.” We additionally agreed that, though John Howard is also exempt, he gets points for “controlling his huge guns”.

 

5. Harold Holt (Liberal)

You may recognise this name from that public swimming pool in Glen Iris, or perhaps one of the countless conspiracy theories that your grandfather told you over Christmas lunch. My personal favourites include: Holt was a Chinese spy, he was taken by UFOs and he was kidnapped by communist submarines. Harold is Australia’s token beach babe, though he may disappear for some time and not answer your calls. Then again, who doesn’t love mysterious guys?

HOT: Amended the constitution to allow Indigenous Australians to be included on the census and gave the federal government power to legislate specifically on Indigenous issues.

NOT: Expanded Australia’s involvement in the Vietnam War because Harold was so chummy with American President Lyndon B. Johnson, saying he was “all the way with LBJ”. It sounds pretty gay so if you want to write erotic political fanfic for the next edition of Farrago, go ahead.

 

4. Julia Gillard (Labor)

While composing this list my inner feminist guru pulled me aside to discuss whether or not we should include Gillard. Is it worse to objectify Australia’s first and only female prime minister or to exclude her purely based on gender? I concluded that no PM shall be free from my gaze so here she is.

While Julia’s haircut during the Kevin ‘07 era was questionable, she grew it out and stepped up to be Australia’s baddest bitch in 2010. We know that she’s one tough gal to endure the amount of shit hauled at her throughout her leadership, so we can conclude that Julia offers solid support and protection. A majority of this criticism came from the introduction of a carbon tax, which was more due to the Greens. Not that the tax was even a bad thing. It was protecting the environment, you assholes.

HOT: “Thank you very much deputy speaker and I rise to oppose the motion moved by the leader of the opposition. And in so doing I say to the leader of the opposition I will not be lectured about sexism and misogyny by this man. I will not. And the government will not be lectured about sexism and misogyny by this man. Not now, not ever.”

NOT: Being against same-sex marriage until 2015, when it was too late for her to actually do anything about it. Thanks for that useless show of belated support, Julia.

 

3. Malcolm Turnbull (Liberal)

Are you struggling through your degree and looking into sugar daddies online? Look no further than Parliament House! Malcolm is a big ol’ billionaire (and no, not just because he’s PM—he’s been rolling in dough for years) and will definitely pay off your $100,000 degree and buy you a private jet. What’s that, you want an apartment in Sydney’s CBD? DONE. Gap year in Europe? YOU GOT IT. Progressive policies to be passed in government? You may have to wait for that, babe, he needs to check in with the boiz and maybe all of Australia.

There is already a whole Vice article discussing whether or not Daddy Malcolm is hot, so if you’re interested I suggest you check it out. His younger self looks rather awkward and creepy (a photo literally exists of him lounging on a couch, and he just looks so uncomfortable and constipated), so I can only conclude that Malcolm is a man who becomes fine with age. Not unlike cheese or wine.

HOT: ???

NOT: Has no spine.

 

2. Gough Whitlam (Labor)

I found a photo of Gough in his air force uniform during world war two, and that’s why he’s second on this list. That photo. Go check it out—Gough was a stunner in the ‘40s. Also not entirely bad (albeit older than I look for in a man, though so are all our leaders) when he was prime minister 1972–1975.

Gough Whitlam is the only prime minister of Australia to be dismissed by the governor-general (I told you they did things sometimes), something my grandad believes was a plot by the CIA because Whitlam was so progressive politically, to the extent that lefties today romanticise his era. Not difficult to see why, because the Whitlam Gov. was hot.

HOT: Dismantled the “white Australia” policy, implemented free higher education, introduced Medicare, Aboriginal land reform and women’s rights (equal pay*, tax-free contraception, no-fault divorce), increased funding for the arts and abolished military conscription.

NOT: The injustice of his dismissal (smh).

 

1. Paul Keating (Labor)

Paul “I want to do you slowly” Keating obviously wins this one, as the only prime minister who was genuinely attractive while prime minister! Though, while I was editing this article, a friend actually said to me, “Why does Paul Keating look like Peter Dutton??” Ugh. What an insult to both Keating and my taste in men. Consequently, our friendship is currently undergoing a review.

Just as hot are Paul’s words. While he didn’t actually write one of the greatest Australian speeches of all time (the Redfern Park speech, 1992), Keating was a true savage who loved to drag members of the opposition from the despatch box. There are curated videos of his zesty comebacks that you can watch at your leisure, and quite a lot are directed at John “desiccated coconut” Howard, which is an extra bonus (because I detest the man).

It’s safe to assume that Paul’s way with words means he’s probably very good at sweet-talking and seduction, but not, like, in a man-whore way (this isn’t Barnaby Joyce we’re talking about here), and even if you get into an argument with him, Paul is well-practiced in reconciliation.

HOT: Introduced native title to Indigenous Australians, removed ban on homosexuals in the military, greatly increased the social wage and family benefits system.

NOT: In the 1960s he managed a band, but wasn’t in the band. Not as hot. Nobody fucks the band manager.

 

Honourable mentions

Robert Menzies (Liberal): Robbo’s eyebrows let him down this time. Apologies to the ex–private school kids who froth Menzies as much as lefties froth Whitlam.

Alfred Deakin (Protectionist): Behind that huge beard I reckon Alf was surprisingly hot. Or is it the beard that makes the man? I can’t find any photos of him without facial hair, so I guess we’ll never know.

Malcolm Fraser (Liberal): I actually can’t come to a final decision on this: Was Malcolm Fraser hot? I’ll leave it up to you.

 
 
*to an extent… (the gender wage gap still exists (fight me))


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