The Grub

Student Precinct Construction Disturbs Ancient Horror Long Buried Beneath The Earth

3 May 2018

Progress on the University of Melbourne’s new student precinct has hit something of a snag, with construction disturbing a long-dormant subterranean horror underneath the campus.

The horror, whose name and physical manifestation cannot be comprehended by human minds, was inadvertently set free from its earthly tomb after an overzealous jackhammer operator burst a sewage pipe under the 1888 Building.

Shortly afterwards, a sinkhole opened up where the university’s new landscaped amphitheatre is slated to be built. Initial reports suggest that looking directly into the ghastly abyss causes people to lose the very essence of their soul, leaving them an empty husk with no moral compass. Bachelor of Commerce students will reportedly be unaffected by this change.

Currently, university leadership is engaging with the highest authority on the subject—the Buffy the Vampire Slayer Appreciation Society—to formulate next steps. Vice-Chancellor Glyn Davis reports: “Last night’s pizza party was a constructive step towards tackling this grave horror, and we got up to the bit where Buffy and Angel break up. Next week’s ‘Cupcakes ‘n Stakes’ theme night should prove to be illuminating.”

Some staff, such as Communications lecturer Dr John Condom, find the university’s lack of expediency worrying. “My office overlooks the sinkhole, and I’m finding that the howling of anguished souls is interfering with my work looking for Marxist references in Phineas and Ferb,” he said. “Hey also, if you know of any TV shows that need, like, a media commentator or something…”

After being personally exposed to the horror itself, this author suggests that perhaps this supreme, evil entity is not so bad after all. As long as I comply with its demand for the lives of three pure individuals, everything will be alllllllllll right.

Headline by Alex D. Epstein.
Article by Alex Greggery.

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