An Exhaustive List of Whom We Shall Kill on the First Day of the Revolution28 May 2018
— Private school boys who use their passports to get into nightclubs because they never got their learners but go to Europe every winter break.
— Anyone who has ever bought University of Melbourne merchandise.
— Anyone who says in a tute, “This reminds me exactly of what Donald Trump is doing.”
— People whose Instagram bios are just emojis.
— Anyone who claims to have never even thought about a Contiki.
— People who claim that “vinyl never left” but owned an iPod Nano in 2006.
— All four listeners of Radio Fodder.
— The Liberal Party Club.
— The Labor Right Club: they gave us Kevin Rudd.
— The Labor Left Club: they stuffed up so badly Kevin Rudd came back.
— (Note: the Greens Club will not be killed because no-one wants to get that close to the Greens Club)
— Anyone caught carrying a Courtney Barnett tote bag will be executed on the spot.
— People who touch off their mykis on trams.
— People who don’t jaywalk at the Swanston Street tram stop.
— Every stall holder at the Wednesday farmers’ market, apart from the falafel place.
— Mature age students: there is no time for question-asking in the new society.
— Anyone who posted a picture on Instagram of them in front of those stupid NGV skulls.
— Ed Sheeran fans.
— People who claim The Wombats haven’t been good since their first album.
— People who like Clive Palmer’s memes.
— Anyone who won’t admit to pretending to be Mad Max when walking through the South Lawn carpark.
— People who bought a Co-op membership in their first semester of first year.
— People who think John Howard was a good Prime Minister because “he got rid of the guns”.
— The woman at that sushi place near my work: I ordered three rolls but only received two soy sauce fish packets.
— People who use the story feature on Messenger.
— People who transitioned their year-12 blazer into everyday wear.
— Whoever designed the bathrooms in Alice Hoy and the ERC.
— All girls with low battery on their rose-gold iPhone.
— People who lose 30 Newspolls in a row.