New study reveals South Lawn is the optimal spot for making out in front of everyone

7 May 2019

A major new study conducted by the Victorian Institute of Geography and Impetuous Osculation (VIGIO) has found that South Lawn prevails as the finest location on campus for couples wanting to flaunt their amatory success in plain view of an abundance of loners.

After lurking in various shrubberies around campus—surveying the behaviours of multiple pairings for the purpose of science—VIGIO determined that no other sensual site or vegetation station could compare to South Lawn’s luscious greenery.

“Couples wanting a roll-about in the open really can’t go wrong with South Lawn,” said a VIGIO spokesperson. “It’s a sunny spot. A cultural hub. The air circulation is paramount. Whether you’re into nuzzling, smooching, canoodling… it really caters for any public display of affection.”

Two study participants, who prefer to be known as the portmanteau “Tomla” rather than as two separate entities, said they feel powerful knowing they’re being noticed.  

“We get a lot of attention. Sometimes intense stares. Of course, we don’t notice them most of the time… tee hee… because we’re pretty preoccupied. But we think [making out] is a really important way to give back to the community, you know, by giving people something to look forward to” Tomla said in unison.

However, an anonymous witness said they found Tomla’s behaviour hurtful and wished “PDA was illegal”.

“It reminds me of Maureen and I. It’s too painful. Maureen, come back to me… please?”

South Lawn has long been a popular place for students to relax and get to know potential suitors. VIGIO hope the results of their study will persuade more audacious couples to make use of the highly accessible area.

Other areas considered for the top position include the lunchtime queue for Castro’s Kiosk and the System Garden in summer.

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