Kiss and Tell

11 August 2019

Pine. Verb.
Erund or present participle: pining • Miss or long for.
“She’s still pining for them”

I’ve never pined for someone.

I think pining for someone is a complete waste of time and energy.

Oh, you’re hurt? Well, suck it up. It’s not the end of the world.

It happens, you know? Break ups. Bumps in the road. Now I don’t fault anyone for spilling a few tears. I admit myself, I’ve spilt oceans of tears. I’ve cried till my eyes get so sore that I get a massive headache and my face swells up beyond recognition.

Crying is cathartic. Especially for me. And I’m sure some may relate to that. But once the tears have dried out, it’s time to think analytically. Rationally. What actually makes sense?

If you’ve been broken up with, that’s alright. You’ll be okay. It sucks, but only for a little while. Soon you’ll adapt to not waking up next to the person and to not seeing their name on your phone. You’ll be able to go back to that café you once loved that reminded you so strongly of them. You’ll be able to listen to the songs that you and your partner used to sing at the top each other’s lungs during late night drives to Maccas. You’ll be able to look at their pictures and not feel pain. You’ll be able to think about them and acknowledge that though the relationship was a wonderful experience, it’ll exist just as a memory. A time in the past. After a little while, it won’t suck anymore. You’ll be okay. Everything is alright.

If it’s a bump in the road you’re facing, things will eventually turn out fine or turn out the way it’s supposed to. No one relationship is smooth sailing. Arguments (healthy ones) are normal and even encouraged to have. A difference in opinions can be settled. A one-week break from the relationship to “sort things out” doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the end of the relationship. It means space and time is required for a person to assess their thoughts and feelings. Take the opportunity to do the same. In hindsight, bumps make you understand yourself and your partner better. When the bump is cleared, the relationship is much stronger. If a bump unfortunately leads to a break up, go back and read the paragraph above.

But what do you do when you find yourself in a relationship with someone who’s here but not there? No, you haven’t been broken up with. No, things are going perfectly well. They still call you and leave you sweet messages asking about your day. They still take you out on dates and sometimes suggest staying home to cook dinner together. They send you songs that come up on Spotify because it makes them think of you when they listen to it. But when you look at the pictures, you don’t feel the same. You’ll think about them and you know that the relationship is beyond wonderful but it feels distant. That it’s just a memory. A time in the past.

The road is a clear path and the relationship is calm. There are no issues present to argue over and you’re both on the same page on almost everything. You know you love the person to bits and the thought of the relationship ending or you and your partner falling out and parting ways hurts. There is love. But it’s a different kind of love.

And I can’t put a finger on as to why that is.

Maybe your feelings have changed? That could possibly be true. Probably they have, to a certain extent. But it hasn’t changed the fact that feelings of love, care and affection still exist. It hasn’t changed the fact that ending the relationship is an option you don’t plan on taking anytime soon.

Maybe it’s love out of habit? But loving someone is always a choice, isn’t it? Waking up and choosing your partner over and over again is a choice you make and control day after day. Even if it’s an easy love, it doesn’t and shouldn’t form into a habit. Habitual love leads to lack of effort and the relationship will soon be on the first plane to boredom. But no, it hasn’t come to that and it’s frustrating. Especially when you spend hours lying in bed in the dark of the night thinking and evaluating your feelings only to come to the same outcome: “I don’t know.”

And as I write this, sitting up on my bed, laptop on my lap at 4:30 in the morning, I find myself pining for someone.

Someone I haven’t lost, yet can’t seem to find.

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