satire

Local Asshole Stands on Right-Hand Side of Escalator and Doesn’t Walk

24 September 2019

The most important person in the world visited Melbourne Central Station today. At least that’s how it seemed as one inconsiderate asshole decided he had the right to stand still on the right-hand side of the escalator.

Richard Head (22) could have easily passed as a your average bloke functioning member of society as he hopped off the 3:26pm Hurstbridge service in the city loop—his myki had even been topped up. But any hope that he would be a good bloke were dashed as he stepped onto the escalator and stood unmoving in the well-established walking lane.

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, honestly,” said one distraught witness, who did not want to be named, as the trauma of the ordeal was still too raw. “Everyone knows you stand on the left if you don’t want to walk. If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen.”

“I tried all the tricks in the book,” said Ines Cent (20), another of Head’s victims, who was bolder in her attempts to rescue the doomed situation. “I walked right up behind him and sighed really loudly. I even started drumming my fingers on the handrail. But he wouldn’t budge, the absolute psycho.”

Melbourne Uni students are warned to be on high alert as Head has reportedly been sighted loitering around cam- pus, oozing narcissism. He was spotted playing a sonata on the honky-tonk piano outside Union House in a blatant ploy to let everyone know he’s pretty good.

“This sort of behaviour is characteristic of a person with absolutely no regard for any other human.” said Dr Di Sorder, an expert in Medical Psychology. “On these stories alone, I would have no hesitation in clinically diagnosing Richard as a wanker.”


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