Column

The Fairytale Gazette: Part 6

8 October 2019

(CW: explicit description of fantasy death penalty)

 

Giant tribute

To demonstrate her support for the Giantess widow whose husband fell to his death last week, the Old Woman, who is famous for living in a giant’s shoe, has draped the shoe in mourning blacks. 

She has also respectfully halted the house renovations that have been attracting a lot of complaints from the neighbourhood, particularly those about the noise.

The silencing of the house is symbolic, the Old Woman tells The Fairytale Gazette, as the house (the giant shoe) was given to her as part of a charitable act on behalf of the giant. Previously, she said that she was a homeless woman and that she was deeply saddened to hear about the tragic death of her benefactor who chased a thief down the stalk. 

The woman claims that the local council has attempted multiple times to classify the living conditions of the shoe as a health hazard, so it is a possibility that she could be evicted any time soon. The council even targeted her adopted brood by accusing her of neglecting them.

The Old Woman denies these allegations as she says that learning from the giant made her pay forward good deed by adopting multiple children, and that the council are smirching his memory by trying to push her out at this time. 

The Old Woman hopes that during this period the council would respect her sadness by not harassing her and her family. 

 

Breaking: Emperor might be stripped of royal title 

After the Emperor’s insistence on wearing the “invisible cloth” rather than actual clothes, nudity as art has become the latest fashion to emerge from the court. A naked parade is being organised in solidarity with their Ruler, whom they fear will be dethroned.

There’s been increasing concern over His Majesty’s mental wellbeing and psychological condition, royal insiders have said.

Any attempt to provide the king with actual silks to choose from resulted in him throwing them out the window, tearing the delicate fabrics and also the skin of those providing them.

Luckily, no one had been seriously or critically injured but his condition has “prompted calls for him to be deposed,” a palace spokesperson admits. 

Conspiracy theorists believe that two recent additions to The King’s Court have been whispering in The King’s ear or have something to do with his new condition. Reportedly, they have gained new favour by receiving a commission which has not yet come into existence.

The King has not yet made an appearance since his impromptu royal outing a few weeks ago in the nude where he was promptly covered up and shuffled into the palace. He has not been seen since.

Investigation

 

Imposter girl’s goose is cooked

After a serious crime of identity theft that has been gripping the nation, it has been quickly ruled that the fraud who pretended to be the Goose Princess will be put to death.

The sentence involves the servant girl being literally stripped of her status as she was put to death earlier this evening, by being rolled in a barrel of nails naked. All royal attire was returned to the actual princess who appears to have endorsed this ancient, slow and painful method of execution for her rival that had been banned for many years due to human rights and dignity concerns.

“The royal pretender actually suggested that an impersonator should be treated in that manner,” a royal spokesperson stated. “We are just returning the favour and putting all things and all people back into their rightful place.”

The Goose Princess has not yet commented in person about all the events that have taken place but many tabloids have eaten up the official story that has been supplied. 

According to reports, it was a case of mistaken identity. The servant girl took the place of her employer, the Goose Princess, and ensured that the Princess replaced her in her drudgery. The palace assures the public that the incident will be “seriously investigated” to understand how this could have occurred.  

The servant girl’s story began unravelling with the publication of a story in a tabloid titled Can You Blame a Girl for Looking Like a Celebrity? speculating that the servant girl’s willingness to do everything on her own was a sign that she was a fake.  

The story, which was released less than forty-eight hours ago, has already attracted far more media attention than expected. It has created a fair amount of gossip that led to her arrest as she was about to snatch the ring of a neighbouring prince. 

However, the tabloid’s disrespectful treatment of the story has altered facts so much that the majority of people are outraged.

“They skewed the facts, so the servant girl didn’t get a fair trial,” A local commentator said, “All their information came from the Princess and chewing on rumours.”

Others are questioning why the real Princess hadn’t spoken up sooner or blew the girl’s identity.

Most are also wondering if this is a revival of archaic punishments that can be used and abused by the powerful.


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