Lonely Hearts of the Animal Kingdom

25 March 2020

Male Pufferfish

“Love is an art and I am an artist.”

Bonjour, mon amour! I think perhaps you are the muse I’ve been searching for. You are refined, yes? You want someone that’s good with their fins, maybe a little tail action *hon hon hon*, and you have exquisite taste. You see, my body is an instrument of love. And I am fluent in the language of romance; art!

I will make you a masterpiece! Using sand, I will create the most exquisite two-metre-wide circle of art the ocean has ever seen. Then you may honour me by laying your eggs in the centre of the design, ripe for fertilisation. We mystified scientists for years. How could a tiny fish make something so magnifique!? All things are possible through the art of love, ma chérie.

A great artist is nothing without a muse.

Je t’aime, Puff Dufish


Male Honey Bee

“I’m a ride and die kind of guy.”

I’ve been unlucky in love. In a hive there are three types of bee: a queen, workers and drones. I’m a drone, see? My sole purpose is to mate with the queen. If I die before I achieve this, my life will have been meaningless! Please consider me. I have a lot to offer: 

  1. I’m sweet
  2. I’m eternally devoted
  3. I’m a great dancer

Most importantly, I’m searching for more than love. I’m seeking a queen to die for.

I do mean that literally. While we have sex mid-flight, my balls explode, my reproductive organs and some abdominal tissue are torn out and left inside you. Then I’ll die. But don’t worry, it’ll be great for you.

Will you bee my one and only? Please?

Eternally yours, Bertie Bee


Female New Mexican Whiptail Lizard

“You’re a strong independent lizard who don’t need no man.”

Listen up ladies! The revolution has begun and we’re all we need! In our particular species of lizard there are no dudes, only chicks. The story goes that a female lizard of one species got nasty with a male lizard of another species. And wham-bam thank you ma’am, we can lay and hatch eggs without fertilisation from males. Plus, we have double the chromosomes, so our kids are still genetically diverse. It’s like cloning! Cool, huh? 

So listen, we don’t actually need each other to make little lizards. But if you’re down for some hot lesbian action, it helps to get things going.

The future is female!

Lizzie the Lezzie

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