Lonely Hearts of the Animal Kingdom

26 August 2020

Male Giraffe

“Kinkshamers need not respond.”

Hello, fellow equal! I think there’s one thing we should get out of the way and I hope this won’t offend you. You see, I’m a big user of the “C” word: consent.

We all like to get a little freaky sometimes. But I want to make sure you’re prepared to engage in intercourse. Us male giraffes have devised a simple and painless way to find out if you’re ovulating, so –

I’m gonna drink your piss.

But hey, just because your body’s set doesn’t mean your mind is. I’ll wait. I’ll follow you around for hours, for days!

I humbly ask for your consent to be your mate.

Respectfully, Goldie Schower


Female Sea Cucumber

“Seeking anonymous sperm donor.”

I like long walks at the bottom of the ocean, explorin’ at night and breathin’ through my butt. I ain’t much of a reader ‘cos I got no brain, but I can shoot some poisonous organs from my body when I’m attacked. I can also grow ’em back. I’m just sayin’, what kinda kiddos you want? Soft sea sponges? Or kickass sea cucumbers? 

Cards on the table though, I ain’t mother material. I’m more of a “release my eggs into the ocean and hope they find some of your best swimmers” kinda gal.

Hit me up for a good time!

Love, Cece Cucumberbatch


Male Anglerfish

“Let’s leave the lights on.”

Greetings! Hello! Hi! Listen I don’t have much time. If I don’t find my true love soon, I’ll die! Soulmates are hard to come by at the bottom of the sea. I just can’t afford to take things slow. So I hope you’re cool with moving in together. Literally.

Okay hear me out. When we mate I’m gonna bite you. Hear me out! When I’ve latched on, my body will begin to fuse with yours. Hear me out! Eventually I’ll lose my eyes, fins, teeth and most of my internal organs. Hear me out! You’ll be left with my testicles. I’ll basically be reduced to your own personal sperm bank. I’m a real giver.

I know it doesn’t sound particularly romantic. Scientists call us male anglerfish sexual parasites (rude). And I know I’m not the most attractive fish in the sea. But our species’ lights can entice the most beautiful prey. If you find me in the darkness, please consider me “the one”!

When I see your light shine, I’ll know I’m home.

Sol Fischer


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