Column

Lonely Hearts of the Animal Kingdom

4 November 2020

Female Bonobo

“Let’s make love, not war.”

Hey lover, listen, I bet you’ve got a lot of stress. When your body’s filled with negativity it can make you lash out. But check this, we figured out a way to stop all the hate, conflict and wars.

Sex solves a lot of problems, man. Most, actually. It’s made us like the most peaceful primates on this beautiful Planet Earth. We have sex to say “hi”, to celebrate, and during and after fights to make sure there’s no hard feelings. We don’t let monogamy, gender, age or sexual orientation stop the love either. We have all kinds of love: oral, tribadism and mutual masturbation to name a few. We’re also one of the few primates that will have sex while facing each other. Isn’t that beautiful?

There’s always room for one more in an orgy.

Peace and love man, 

Harmony Bono

 

Female Bald Eagle

“Let’s take love to the extreme!”

Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder! I’m looking for the ride of my life. Someone who’s willing to go to the highest height and jump for my love. Step forward mortal and prove your worth. How? Easy! 

We’ll fly up into the sky, as high as our bodies will take us. Then, we’ll lock talons and fall. We’ll cartwheel towards the ground in a spiral of death! Will we survive? Will we die? This feeling, how to describe it? Fear? Euphoria? Ecstasy?! Faster and faster we’ll plummet, not letting go until the very last second. What if we crash? Oh god! The tension. This is so fucking hot!! This is what it means, TO GO EVEN FURTHER BEYOND!!! After that? Dunno. I guess we could settle down and have some kids or something.

If I’m gonna fall for you, let’s fall together!

Maeve Maverick

 

Male Argonaut

“I’ll give you everything and more.”

Wow, you’re like the hotter version of a nautilus. You’re radiant, stunning! Are you an octopus? A shell? Both? Actually, don’t tell me, I love a girl with mystery. I know compared to a goddess like you, I don’t seem like much. You’re two metres of immense beauty and I’m… Actually, can you see me? I’m only a few centimetres big so I understand if you miss me at first glance. But darling, I saw you. And when I did my soul left my body. Well, not my soul, but my penis did.

You see, your shell where your glorious bits are is really hard. To solve that, we argonauts evolved to possess a detachable love stick that wriggles into your shell for sexy time. I hope you enjoy it. I’m sorry I won’t know how amazing it is. While it’s a clever mating technique, it’s not a perfect science and I’ll die when my penis chooses you over me. 

All my love, 

Dick Lessman


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