Counsel in Couplets: How Far Goon is Too Far Goon?18 April 2016
FROM: BRYON GUNN
How FAR goon is too FAR goon?
How much goon is too much? What a peculiar thing to ask.
At what point do you say, no, I won’t have one more glass?
How many hashbrowns from Macca’s until you draw the line?
How much camembert and crackers is considered a crime?
Is ninety-seven plays of Adele’s new album excessive?
When does your love for Pitch Perfect fanfic become obsessive?
These questions are of course purely rhetorical.
Having too much of a good thing: that’s nigh impossible!
So when it comes to goon, persist until you’re pissed.
To quote Caddy from Mean Girls “the limit does not exist”.
Mix alcohol with Special K: a lethal potion of ‘goonreal’,
You’ll be Lord of the Goonflakes: with one sack to rule them all.
Bathe in a sugary waterfall of Fruity Lexia,
Silver sack in hand: what could be sexier?
You’ll drink from this ten bucks-for-thirty-standards fountain of youth,
GoonJ – the mix of orange juice and goon – will sate your sweet tooth.
But, my dearest child, what about other divine drinks,
Passion Pop is five dollars! A bargain for wine, me thinks.
Yes, of course you may feel like a fourteen-year-old child
Who can’t afford classy spirits or anything wild.
But who cares if you’re judged by elitists spendthrift,
And your drink’s main market includes fans of T-swift?
After all, goon’s more enjoyable than drinking VB,
Which everyone knows tastes like goat pee.
There is, however, a point when you shouldn’t drink more,
Where another goon layback’ll see you munt on the floor.
And no one wants to be that guy who throws up in the Uber,
Who covers the front seat in their bodily humors.
Still, I’m not here to preach… drink as much goon as you desire.
You cannot know what’s too much sans experience prior.
That’s what university’s about: finding your limits.
So may the goon be with you – fuck the critics!