satire

Budget Cuts: Stop 1 To Be Replaced by ‘Unimelb Love Letters’

7 May 2019

Following recent budget cuts, the University of Melbourne has decided to axe Stop 1, choosing to replace the student services resource with the ‘Unimelb Love Letters’ Facebook page.

In an interview with the university’s Vice-Chancellor, Duncan Maskell, he remarked this was a natural cut for the university due to the popularity of question-and-answer posts being published by the page. “Why ignore a grass-roots, pro-bono program run by students? Unimelb Love Letters is the obvious answer for connecting students to the clear, concise answers they need.”

“Adding a middleman means we get a breadth of responses”, Maskell said. “Deliberating over how many subjects constitute a minor can lead to a variety of comments such as: ‘it’s on the website you dumb fuck’ and, ‘hey, ever heard of Google?’”

It’s not just the faculty that are excited about this big upgrade. Third-year student Jane Webber only wishes it was done earlier. “Those fuckers at Stop 1 don’t know shit. I’d rather some unqualified jaffys had been there to help me instead of waiting hours in that lifeless hell hole”, the biomedicine student told Farrago.

Long-time fans of Unimelb Love Letters, however, are feeling the sting of this change. Damian Libson, a second-year who writes anonymous letters to himself to gain romantic traction, feels the future isn’t bright. “I was this close to finding a girlfriend. One more letter about how hot girls on campus find me would’ve done the trick, but who’s gonna see it when study-load questions take over?”, Libson said.

Farrago reached out to Unimelb Love Letters for an interview but only received this response: “I just wanted to help people fall in love. I don’t know what this page has become.”

According to a report released by the university, Stop 1’s physical presence on Swanston Street will be replaced by “expensive couches or some shit” by 2030.


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