What started as a plan to land an internship has ended in tragedy, as local student Jordan Rampant has been forced to confront their own unassailable mediocrity as a human being. The incident reportedly began with an eagle-based inspirational quote on Tumblr.

“I just wanted to ‘Soar towards success on the winds of my potential’,” Rampant said. “But as it turns out, my potential is a light breeze at most.”

Trouble first reared its head when the H2B-average student could not plausibly argue that they met any of the selection criteria or desirable qualities sought in a candidate.

“Really, how does anyone demonstrate ‘community leadership’?” Rampant wondered, before excusing himself to tell a Habitat For Humanity group to get out of his driveway.

Rampant reportedly considered lying on his application, before giving up when asked to “Give an example of a situation in which you demonstrated initiative and problem-solving.”

Discussions with classmates applying for the same internships did little to assuage Rampant’s fears. After talking to one student, who was inexplicably a working professional in the same field as the internship, Rampant regretted the inclusion of his work experience at Damien’s Grease Pump Repair on his application.

The revelation that another applicant had a reference letter from Kofi Annan, and had been on a weeklong kayak trip with the internship organisation’s entire upper management team, only served to further Rampant’s despair.

When asked about the future, Rampant seemed optimistic.

“Well, I’ll probably start by blaming my parents,” he mused, “before slowly transitioning into more of a twisted loner with a grudge against humanity who may snap at any time.”

“Or join Aldi’s Graduate Pathways Program. Same thing, really.”

 
Headline by Angela Le.
Article by Alex Greggery.
Graphics by Cathy Chen.