Amateur hipster and indie connoisseur Jack Dempsey is in shock today after learning that his musical taste isn’t quite as unique as he had long believed. After entering the University of Melbourne as a fresher this o-week, he was dismayed to find multiple posters of his favourite ‘underground’ bands strewn across campus.

“I just wasn’t expecting there to be so much exposure here y’know? It’s kinda hard to understand. Back at my private all-boys school in Sydney, I was the only one who’d ever heard of Hockey Dad or Car Seat Headrest.”

Jack’s love of music began in seventh grade, when he successfully recited the entirety of Eminem’s ‘Lose Yourself’ to an adoring crowd of prepubescent peers. Since then, his taste has evolved to an exceedingly high level of triple j indie-kid snobbery.

Jodie Montagna-Burns is a regular contributor to music zines around Melbourne’s indie scene. “It happens every year,” she says. “We get kids from Sydney or Adelaide coming here and thinking they’re super hipster, but following the Hottest 100 just doesn’t cut it in Melbs. If you wanna be edgy here, you better be into some BDSM-level noisecore shit.”

Sources close to Jack have confirmed that he has no plans to actually see any of the bands currently playing in Melbourne, as it “just isn’t the same anymore”. Some have suggested that Jack should find a new niche interest to gloat about.

In the meantime, he’ll have to content himself with discussing music with people who can actually sustain an intelligent conversation about it. Jack fears the day he gets decisively proven wrong in a public discussion, and his pseudo music-nerd facade comes crumbling down.

 
Headline by Alex Greggery.
Article by Angus Mackintosh.