<p>Alex Epstein can’t find love—so he decided to find out, with scientific rigour, the best spots on campus to fall in love with a stranger.</p>
A few weeks ago, Farrago reporter Maggy Liu profiled the Facebook page UniMelb Love Letters, a sort of nexus for the lovelorn and the hopelessly romantic on campus. Depending on your point of view, these letters can be either adorable or downright creepy—ranging from confessions between close friends to missed encounters between total strangers.
I took my own personal journey into their 2000-post feed just a few days later—but as unbelievable as this sounds, not a single letter was addressed to me. The obvious conclusion was that I’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places. I decided to find out, with scientific rigour, the best spots on campus to fall in love with a stranger.
So, which building has the sauciest atmosphere? Which library sets passions ablaze? Do the bureaucratic frustrations of Stop One perhaps translate into steamy lust for the Commerce student across from you, who’ll do anything to resolve their timetabling issue? I made an interactive map to find out.
Out of 122 love letters explicitly mentioning a location, 19 of them (roughly 15 per cent) are in the Baillieu. It looks like my tutors were right all along: spending time in the library is actually a great idea.
Similar high density spots on campus include Union House (11); Peter Hall (6); the MSD, the Law Building, Redmond Barry, Sidney Myer (5); and the FBE (4).
The sexiest café is Castro’s Kiosk (3), which is obvious to everyone who’s seen the baristas. The horniest mode of public transportation is the 19 tram (2).
Residential college students only have four love letters published, but it’s highly likely they have their own privatised service for confessing their crushes, probably operated by Deloitte.
The greatest distance for a love letter is an astounding 12,766km, coming all the way from Los Angeles International Airport. We are, after all, a truly international university.
And, finally, we come to the age-old question: which major is the hottest?
Out of 190 love letters explicitly mentioning a course or subject, exactly 69 of them were within STEM disciplines, and 95 within STEM and health fields, or, exactly half. Arts and Commerce each come in at a respectable 35.
All in all, the conclusion is pretty obvious: if you’re lonely, or if you just like attention, head straight for the Baillieu—and switch courses to Science. I know that’s what I’ll be doing.