Four grumpy, overweight, mid-life crisis persons have been sighted lurking around the RMIT/Swanston St tram stop wearing UniMelb Hoodies. Witnesses
report that they seem to think they’re blending in well, and reckon no one knows they’re ticket inspectors.

Betty Buttersworth (46) insists she’s just a mature- aged student on the way to her 10am Accounting lecture, but the ‘Authorised Officer’ badge poking out of her cargo shorts seems to suggest otherwise.

“I love this stop, just outside the Free Tram Zone. Perfect for catching fare eva-duh, getting to my classes,” Ms Buttersworth told reporters. “And no, of course I didn’t know that PTV concession cards expired today.” No one had asked.

Ravi Yolee (47), one of Betty’s ethnically diverse acquaintances, is hardly even bothering with the subterfuge, refusing to take off his aviators even once
on board the tram and holding his Kevlar vest like Bane. “I’ll be honest, failing the police test was a bit of a kick in the guts,” he said, gesturing to his sizeable guts. “But full credit to me, I was able to pick myself off the deck and get into this gig. Now I get paid to make kids cry in public. It just goes to show that if you believe in yourself, you can make your dreams come true.”

Andy Wilson (20), who actually is a student, saw right through the thinly veiled Government money-grab. “Mate, not even Uni students wear those hoodies,” he explained, hastily touching on his myki, “and look at the way they all get on through different doors. No group of mates does that. They’ve clearly never had mates.”

But who needs mates? The power-trip alone is enough for Betty and our finest officers of the law, high-fiving each other as they slam a hungover first year with a $242 fine. “No need to thank me, guys. It’s good enough to know that the citizens of Melbourne can sleep easy at night with that thug off our streets.” We salute Betty for her brave service.