content warning: drug use, animal cruelty

First time Centrelink caller complains they’ve spent FIFTEEN MINUTES on hold

Andrea Fraser, a recently 22-year-old student from the leafy eastern suburbs of Melbourne, has spent the better part of a quarter hour on hold with everyone’s least favourite sugar daddy. The rushed, soon-to-be ‘youth allowance’ recipient reportedly has yoga in like, halfa.

—Sweeney Preston

Ship Doesn’t Get Stuck in the Suez Canal A Second Time, Disappointing Everyone Everywhere

The Ever Given passed through the canal without incident in August 2021, missing a golden opportunity to do something incredibly funny. The captain was seen waving wildly at the shore, shouting “Nice try, Suez Canal! Not this time!”

—Rowan Burridge

Netflix indecision ruins yet another meal

Another bowl of pasta has been left to go cold after one student spent more than thirty minutes deciding what Netflix show to watch. The choice between critically acclaimed docuseries and trashy teenage romantic drama has occurred every night this month and has been the cause of over eighty spoiled meals in 2021 for this student alone.

When asked why they need to start an episode before touching their meal, the indecisive individual responded by shuffling their feet and looking away.

—Raina Shauki

Compulsory voting in Australia extended to include Hottest 100 voting

“This is about democracy. This is what our forefathers fought for,” said an oddly spirited Prime Minister, chucking up a shacka.

—Sweeney Preston

Students riot over lack of enemies-to-lovers plot in chemistry textbook

University of Melbourne staff have received a record-breaking number of complaints after students pointed to a severe lack of a “sexual tension-based narrative” in their final year Organic Chemistry textbook.

“You’re telling me there’s not a single mention of any romantic interests, for any of the characters?! Why was this book a hundred dollars??”—Kerry Loc.

—Raina Shauki

In his old age, Puffing Billy legally changes name to Puffing William

Puffing Billy has long been the Dandenong Ranges’ chief tourist attraction. But after numerous lockdowns, he’s had some time to reflect on his many years.

“Back in my day, you didn’t have all these fancy myki cards and such, you had to buy a ticket from—”. Ugh, booooring. This Farrago reporter stopped listening. Can you “ok boomer” a train?

—Sweeney Preston

Students only attend campus for love letters

According to a new study by Farrago, University of Melbourne students spend an average of 40 minutes curating outfits to wear to campus, solely in the hopes of being featured on ‘Unimelb Love Letters’. Students also allegedly “casually” wander South Lawn and the Baillieu library for hours. One particular student admitted to being five weeks behind because of time scrolling through Love Letters looking for mentions of themselves.

—Christina Savopoulos

“My ex is crazy”, says man with dead fish in Tinder profile

Bradley Bennet III is a 23-year-old sparky living in a shack. The shack, reminiscent of Ernest Hemmingway’s depression trip in Old Man and the Sea, was however “not the issue” in his previous relationship. In fact, it was “all Rebecca’s fault”.

—Emma-Grace Clarke

Guide: How to deceive your tutor into believing you are actually capable of thought

Are you struggling to conjure up a real response to tutorial questions? Maybe you’re sick of staring at a sea of blank spaces and blanker faces? Read on to find out how arts students can somehow always come up with bullshit (to varying degrees of success).

—Charlotte Armstrong

After previous Facebook chat ends in conflict, genius boyfriend starts next convo on Insta

Albert Pine (22) has put himself in league with entrepreneurial royalty after his latest brainwave. “I pulled the ol’ 1-2 switch...Our last chat ended with Brittany being mad that I was late to pick her up, so instead of messaging her on FB that I’m a dickhead who can’t tell the time, I started fresh on Insta.”

Albert informed Farrago that their latest Insta convo consisted of making plans to go to the beach—to which he was also late. “Don’t worry, I’ll send her a DM on LinkedIn.”

—Sweeney Preston

Victoria Police given fart spray to deter anti-maskers

In reaction to recent mass protests across Melbourne, VicPol has announced the introduction of Fart Spray to anti-riot police gear. Chief Commissioner Shane Patton shared his hope that the addition would be particularly effective at dispersing future anti-mask protesters.

—Raina Shauki

Girlboss! This undergraduate isn’t crying in the library during SWOTVAC

Instead, she’s learning about investing from a white woman’s Instagram reels. She’s found a rural soap dispensary that looks promising.

—Emma-Grace Clarke

Unborn children excited about school funding cuts to pay for sports event they won’t be able to attend

It was recently announced that Brisbane will host the 2032 Olympics. Throughout the state, children reacted with cries of joy when they realised that their impoverished future would allow the Premier to have a photoshoot with athletes.

—Josh Abbey

Phew! Nadia Bartel will not face any criminal charges after Victoria Police decide they cannot possibly determine what that suspicious white substance was

“It could be anything!” said a VicPol spokesperson. “Flour, bicarb, crushed up drywall—your guess is as good as ours.”

“What?” said VicPol’s Chief Commissioner. “You’ve never snorted drywall before?”

—Laura Bishop