content warning: references to the Israel-Palestine crisis, drugs

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‘Rumours’ by Fleetwood Mac Finally Moved to Self-Help Aisle

World Argues Over COVID Vaccine Patent, Diabetics Everywhere Confirm Zero Issues with Patented Insulin. ZERO

Make your next book club exciting: Ten books guaranteed to see at least one person throw hands

Heartbroken Person’s Instagram Post Captioned with Mitski Lyrics Extreme Cause for Concern

Existence of Headline Implies Existence of Beautiful Person Reading It

—Chelsea Rozario, Charlotte Armstrong, Raina Shauki

Physics student creates a time machine to give self more time to study for quiz

Second year science student Hayley Bennett has recently built a device capable of bending pulsations of quantum matter so that she can have an extra day to study for her upcoming physics quiz. As Bennett was originally refused an extension for the assessment, she resorted to spending all her free time in the following two weeks building the time machine. Unfortunately, despite the extra day she gave herself to study for the quiz, she still failed.

—James Gordon

Only way to attract better teachers is to remove their salaries entirely, says Minister for Education

Minister Alan Tudge has last week proposed a bill making it illegal to pay teachers. He argues the scheme will attract only the most passionate potential teachers and weed out those who are only there for financial incentives. He even suggested charging teachers $100 a day to make the profession seem even more desirable. “Economic theory has shown us that the higher the price of a product or service, the higher quality we perceive it to be”, Tudge said.

—James Gordon

Student deciding whether to care for their house plants today remembers it’s called a “watering can” not a “watering can’t”

High out of his mind from all the bongs, Dimitri Pascal (22) was in the middle of a couch session at his share house in Carlton North this past Saturday when a thought struck him. “Shieet... I haven’t watered my plants in a week. Time to get the watering can... heheh... get it? ‘Can’... cos I ‘can’ water the plants... heheh.”

—Sweeney Preston

Influencer suffers serious injury after fence-sitting accident

Prominent influencer Phil Esteen has suffered a serious injury after slipping whilst sitting on a fence. The accident occured at a border fence between Israel and Palestine. A spokesman for Esteen said that Esteen believed the activity was safe because the U.N. and some Western countries were so successful at the activity.

—Josh Abbey

Person still hasn’t paid you back that $25 from 2 weeks ago may as well have killed someone at this point

“It’s like, if you’ve got money problems, that’s fine, but like, just let me know?” recounted Natasha, who claims Bernadette still hasn’t opened her message about the Tequila shots from the other week.

—Sweeney Preston

Hannibal Lecter set to be the focus of new Disney feel-good film, Lambchop

Following the success of Cruella—a Disney film that seeks to humanise a woman whose only goal is to skin puppies—Disney has decided to continue down the same road with a funky new retelling of everyone’s favourite cannibalistic serial killer, Hannibal Lecter.

—Charlotte Armstrong

Wanker wins Nobel Prize for driving like a wanker

Since the start of his driving career, Harold Donnelly has accumulated over twenty years of extra time from every instance of speeding, pushing in, and cutting off other cars. It’s an impressive feat, especially considering he’s only been driving for five years. He’s since been awarded the highest humanitarian honour for his admirable decision to spend his extended life assisting those in poverty and coordinating peace treaties between countries engaging in military conflict. Well done, Harold. Big claps.

—James Gordon

Scientists consider the possibility that Mercury has been in retrograde since late 2019

A string of global disasters over the last eighteen months has left scientists considering the possibility that Mercury has been in retrograde this whole goddamn time. Commonly associated with breakdowns in communication, relationships and decision-making, researchers have postured that Mercury being in retrograde provides one possible explanation for the current state of the world.

—Raina Shauki

Breaking: If you don’t tip your UberEats driver, you’re a dog

Farrago has it on good authority that if you don’t tip the person who is paying for their own fuel, working without insurance, who likely doesn’t have Australian citizenship and therefore no access to Medicare, and whose occupation denotes no standard hourly wage, then you need to take a good hard look in the mirror. And then apologise to your mirror for making it reflect such a poor excuse for a human.

—Sweeney Preston

Local group member would love if just one other person could answer a fucking email please and thank you

Having done the lion’s share of the final Cultural Revolutions And Revolutionaries project, member of project group 7 Chloe is on the verge of an emotional breakdown after hearing nothing back from any member of her supposed “team”. “Fuck this, I’m just putting my name on it,” she was heard declaring into her tear-damaged laptop.

—Charlotte Armstrong

University of Melbourne tutor becomes building in order to be treated properly, pilot-scheme to be extended

The University of Melbourne’s part-time-serfs have once more demonstrated their expertise. Recognising that the University’s administration is governed
by the maxim: “people are replaceable, buildings have swag”, a pilot-scheme has been established to transform part-time staff into buildings. The scheme’s guiding hope is that once part-time staff have been transformed into buildings, the University will start treating them properly.

—Josh Abbey

Student hypothesises that the existence of 'alternative' rock implies the existence of 'normal' rock

A University of Melbourne science student has recently submitted his controversial thesis topic, which aims to explore the scientific implications of the ‘alt- rock’ genre. “What the Arts are missing is a scientific lens of analysis. If ‘alternative’ rock exists, then we must be ready to accept the fact that ‘normal’ rock is the basis of an important scientific benchmark.”—Drew Lam (22).

—Raina Shauki

Novelty bag talk of the office as soul- crushed workers reminisce on when they too once enjoyed life

After spotting a co-worker sporting a funky little peach-shaped bag on Wednesday, a local office has quickly found itself in turmoil as workers try to remind themselves of what it felt like to have a soul. Candy, owner of the bag in question, made the purchase reportedly for its “fun colour”. Other workers are now crying in the aisles, with one sobbing into the communal tea. More at 5.

—Charlotte Armstrong

Woman reaches final straw after accidentally putting in the wrong pass- code to unlock phone

After a long week of work and study, a 19-year-old woman has finally succumbed to the stresses of modern life after failing to unlock her iPhone. Her fingers, exhausted from the difficult week, failed multiple times to accurately enter the correct four- digit passcode. Following several attempts, the woman was finally able to unlock her device only to have forgotten why she even picked it up in the first place.

—Raina Shauki