content warning:references to racism, drug use, cults

White allies committed to “decolonising” the Jamaican accent

Empowered by racial discourse happening exclusively on TikTok, a group of white allies have seemingly taken charge of a movement aimed at liberating Jamaican consciousness. When asked about what authority they had to “reclaim” the Jamaican accent, the group responded, “We hate white people just as much as our POC brethren do”.

—Raina Shauki

Satirists genuinely running out of material given that world is beyond parody

Honestly, what is even going on anymore? Apparently we’ve woken up inside a fucking Looney Tunes episode, but I’m really not having it. I mean, I’m out here having to check the sources on news articles because I can’t even tell anymore.

—Charlotte Armstrong

Kanye West’s thrice-delayed “Donda” still most stable thing to come out of 2021

“I had more faith in its release than in our government’s vaccine rollout,” said local Melbourne woman Samantha. “A false promise is different with Kanye, because he’s a total whack job. But like, the cool artistic kind—not the slimy political kind.” Latest reports reveal that even VicPol is getting on the Donda bandwagon blasting “guess who’s going to jail tonight” at the latest anti-lockdown rally.

—Laura Bishop

Essential Beauty announces new COVID-19 Disaster Payments

After a year of lockdowns and store closures, Essential Beauty has announced plans to enter the social welfare sector. A spokesperson explained that as a well-respected figure for most young Australian women, the company is excited to step up and serve “those in our community who know that their local aestheticians have provided more consistent support than governments ever have”.

—Raina Shauki

Doomsday cult told to stop being so optimistic

“Assuming that it’s all going to be over soon? Honestly, that’s way too much hope for me.”

Local doomsday cultists are being told to stop being so bloody optimistic in their assertions that the end of days is fast approaching. When pressed on why the cultists should tone down their expectations, one beleaguered individual admitted, “We aren’t getting out of it that easy”.

—Charlotte Armstrong

Exclusive: New York “The City That Never Sleeps”, Melbourne “In Bed By 9”

Ooh boy, it’s that time of night again. Time to lock the doors, shut the windows, and watch TikToks of people on the other side of the world having a sick time.

New York City is open for business once more after every pundit in the op-ed section of US newspapers declared its death.

Surrounded by their own concrete jungle where nightmares are made of, Melbournians are left to stare wistfully into takeaway coffee cups.

—Sweeney Preston

Nadia Bartel signs new sponsor deal with Revolver Upstairs after being dropped by normie brands

After a video leaked of Nadia ‘Scarface’ Bartel—ex-partner of premiership AFL player Jimmy Bartel—huffing nose candy at a mate’s place during Melbourne’s 48th lockdown, normie brands such as Hairhouse & JSHealth Vitamins have fled the scene.

But luckily for Nadia, from the ashes, the phoenix doth rise.

Melbourne nightlife heavyweight Revolver Upstairs, affectionately known as ‘Revs’, has come to the rescue. The lucrative deal is rumoured to be worth a whopping 33 disco biscuits a night.

—Sweeney Preston