content warning: violence, death

US diplomats send in Sea Shanty TikTokers to ease tensions in Myanmar

“What do we do with a drunken sailor?
What do we do if there’s a coup in Myanmar?
Why don’t we stand and sing in a choir? Ear-ly in the morning!”

They were immediately shot by the military.

—SP

Albanese requests ’Boss Biittch’(Doja Cat) as parliamentary entrance theme after Morrison enters Air Force base to TopGuunn soundtrack

“I’m a bitch, I’m a boss, I’m a bitch, I’m a boss, I’ma shine like gloss,” the Federal Opposition Leader was overheard humming last Sunday.

—SP

Loser with positive COVID test mortified to have lifestyle habits publicly disclosed

DHHS Victoria has released a list of exposure sites across Melbourne after a 20-year-old University of Melbourne student tested positive to COVID-19.

Exposure sites include Officeworks CBD at 9:49pm on a bloody Saturday, inexplicably followed by a one-star rated escape room the following morning and, finally, not one, but three different North Face stores across the metropolitan area.

The DHHS is encouraging all who visited these locations to get tested, stay home, and most importantly, grow up.

—RS

Young people will watch anything set in 1800’s England, Netflix series confirms

Netflix’s latest and most indecent production yet follows a racist duchess learning to twerk.

Using the tried and tested combination of a period setting, suspiciously attractive cast, and a just steamy enough love story, the streaming giant has charmed the hearts of lonely and horny millennials worldwide.

When asked about his inspiration, the Bridgerton showrunner responded: “Oh, I just threw darts at a board filled with all the most annoying character traits imaginable.”

Netflix has seen positive ratings thus far.

—RS

Self-proclaimed “anti-PC” advocate horrified to discover “PC” does not refer to “personal computers”

After a summer of advocating against using certain laptops, desktops, and tablet devices, 56-year- old Collin Wright was recently made aware of his accidental involvement in the anti-political correctness movement.

Mr Wright has expressed disappointment in finding out his anti-PC peers have, in fact, been heavily involved with the use of personal computers and never shared his interest of investing in the “far superior” Mac system.

—RS

Woman divorces husband at the orders of tyrannical taglist meme

Julie Cousineau is divorcing her husband of twelve days, as commanded by a despotic internet meme.

The callous Facebook dictator, known as “taglist meme” (TM), decreed Cousineau is to immediately marry another man—the third person down her taglist. It happens to be her brother.

The tagging cruelty doesn’t stop there. TM’s newest demand? Cousineau must buy her best friend Hungry Jacks, as her given name starts with ‘J’.

TM declined Farrago’s request to comment.

—JG

Monolinguist using Duolingo to learn second language genuinely kidding themselves

“Una cerveza, por favor. Haha, fuck yeah, this is easy!” said Erik (29), blissfully unaware of the other 2,500 words and grammar functions required for basic communicative fluency in his target language.

Farrago understands Erik is early enough into his delusional usage of the app that he still believes the Duolingo Owl to be a useful reminder tool, and not the irritating, nocturnal feathery fuck it truly is.

—SP

Aspiring student comedian waits for “humorous” love letter to be posted to Facebook page

University student comedian Daryl Shields excitedly waits in vain for his “joke submission” to be posted to popular Facebook page, UniMelb Love Letters.

Three days after submission, Shields is starting to wonder if UniMelb Love Letters rejected his post or if he must wait a bit longer to receive validation from total strangers.

—JG