It’s a miracle that I enjoy the 1990 movie Pretty Woman as much as I do. It’s one of those endlessly quotable rom-coms that despite not aging especially well, manages to bring enough charm to keep me invested. It’s also a concept that, if told poorly, would come across as almost creepy, or like a propaganda piece for billionaires— Vivian (Julia Roberts), a sex worker struggling to make rent, meets Edward (Richard Gere), a cold-hearted businessman who hires her to act as his date for a week, and the two of them slowly and accidentally fall in love.

As Vivian is thrown into Edward’s lavish life, she slowly begins to see that a life exists for her outside of Hollywood Boulevard. And Edward, whose job involves buying out businesses and shutting them down, begins to develop a soul, his love for Vivian mellowing him out and convincing him to save, rather than tear down, a family-owned boatbuilding company. The movie centres around the idea of a fairytale romance, the heartwarming narrative and the chemistry between these two leads allowing this frankly ridiculous premise to work its magic on me. 

As such, I was cautiously optimistic about Pretty Woman: The Musical, running at Melbourne’s Regent Theatre until September 13th. My mother, who lists Pretty Woman as one of her favourite movies of all time, was enthusiastic to bring me along to a fun-looking spin on this film that we had bonded over watching in the past. And I couldn’t help but be excited despite my relatively low expectations— even if it wasn’t as mind-blowing as some of the other musicals I had seen, it would at least be a good time, and a love letter to a story I’m familiar with. 

Unfortunately, it didn’t really meet either of these goals, the music often feeling like an uninspired detour from what would otherwise be a near exact retelling of the film. After an almost soulless opening number, saved only by the endlessly endearing performance of Tim Omaji (AKA 2010s popstar Timomatic) as hotel owner Mr. Thompson, I immediately noticed that the production’s dialogue is almost identical to that of the film’s, just with slightly different delivery.  My mother, who almost certainly has the film’s entire script memorised, was quick to frown at some of the lines— Vivian’s iconic taunt of “big mistake! Huge!” fell particularly flat for her. 

The chemistry between Vivian and Edward also doesn’t translate well onstage. Vivian’s energy and playfulness is emphasised, but it’s not reciprocated by her emotional brick wall of a love interest. And in the second act, where Edward is allowed to be a little more expressive, it’s at the cost of Vivian’s entire personality, who seems to shrink herself down for the sake of the relationship. And whilst the lack of expressiveness is one thing, it’s made doubly frustrating by the musical decisions. Vivian’s liveliness, portrayed well in a standout debut theatre performance from Samantha Jade, is suppressed entirely by the blandness of the music. There’s just something about the lyrics that feel like they lack any real substance—Vivian’s first solo song “Somewhere Else”, about her dream to get off the streets, doesn’t say anything more unique than “I long to be free/I just want to be/anywhere but here.”

Similarly unremarkable is “Freedom”, the moment where Edward realises that he’s in love, which, rather than giving us insight into his character and letting him exist as someone with a personality, instead sounds like a Maroon 5 B-side filled with nondescript lyrics that could be sung by literally anyone. The addition of the music could absolutely have worked if the songs actually fit the characters and allowed the audience to gain insight into their personalities, but instead any personality they do have is pushed to the side in favour of cliché songwriting that does little more than make me wonder why this production was written in the first place.

It’s a good thing that the monotony of Vivian and Edward’s relatively stale dynamic is broken up by the musical’s side characters. The music immediately becomes more interesting once the narrative allows itself to focus on the two major side characters, the aforementioned Mr. Thompson, and Kit de Luca, Vivian’s roommate. Not only are their musical numbers more fun, avoiding the self-seriousness of the rest of the show, but their vocals draw from some slightly more interesting inspiration than that of Vivian, who fills the role of a straightforward musical theatre vocal powerhouse, and Edward, who alternates between sounding like a member of a boyband or like a Nickelback-esque butt-rock frontman. Kit’s voice is allowed to be a lot more nasal and powerful, bringing a fun P!nk-like quality that adds a slightly harsher, very welcome character to the music. And Mr. Thompson, in addition to being a very entertaining dancer, acts as a kind of narrator (think Hadestown’s Hermes), alternating between singing and spectating in an infectiously enthusiastic manner. The two of them are a breath of fresh air amidst the dry direction of the two leads, and provides Pretty Woman: The Musical with some much-needed fun.

It’s a shame that this musical doesn’t really care about the fact that it’s a musical. The songs, at best, are neat concepts, such as transforming Edward and Vivian’s trip to the opera into a theatrical rock opera duet, or energetic numbers that ultimately don’t have a lot to say, such as Mr. Thompson’s big number with Kit about following her dreams so she can make it in Hollywood (again with the Hollywood cliché!!). At worst, which unfortunately is most of the time, the music feels hollow and meaningless. There’s only so much Edward can sing about “freedom” before I start to question what that actually means. And whilst Hollywood’s Rodeo Drive is an iconic location from the movie, having an entire song dedicated to pointing it out feels redundant, like Vivian’s whole shopping trip serves as nothing more than an advertisement for expensive tourism.

So who is this adaptation even for? It doesn’t offer much for the musical fan in me, but after talking with my die-hard Pretty Woman fan of a mother, it also seems like it doesn’t do much for fans of the movie either. It feels like a kind of Frankenstein-esque fusion of the two mediums, sewing seemingly unrelated songs onto the corpse of the 1990 film and trying to dress it up with backup dancers and the vague promise of Hollywood. The song that seemed to capture the audience the most was the only song not originally written for the musical— which was, of course, Roy Orbison’s “Oh, Pretty Woman”, featuring a dance routine and Michelle Brasier (who plays Kit) turning to the audience to let them know that they were allowed to pull their phones out to record. It’s quite a bleak final note, I thought, feeling saddened that the show’s final moments do little more than try to construct audience satisfaction in the form of a recognisable song and a cute social media moment. 

The main shame, in my eyes, is how the central romance is lost somewhere in the transformation from movie to musical. This lack of chemistry with Edward turns the narrative from a tale of star-crossed lovers to something that feels much more sinister: Vivian, despite her caring roommate’s warnings to look after herself and not to get attached to the reserved, uncaring businessman, gets into a relationship with a clearly sketchy power dynamic and slowly withdraws from her old life. For the entire runtime, I was certain that Vivian had much more chemistry with Kit than with Edward— I know I felt more emotional at Vivian returning to Hollywood Boulevard to say goodbye than I did anywhere else in the show’s runtime. Edward is characterised less as Vivian’s soulmate, and more as the kind of love interest in a rom-com who the protagonist eventually leaves once they realise the person they truly love (Kit???) has been there all along— I can almost hear “Good Luck, Babe!” playing in the background— or maybe I’m just getting carried away. 

Regardless, I left Pretty Woman: The Musical with a sense of frustration more than anything. This well-known story getting re-told as a musical should, in theory, be able to bring more magic to the fairytale romance, and instead, the music drains almost all of the emotion out of it, taking an undeniably talented cast and giving them next to nothing to work with. In an age where cinemas are flooded with unnecessary remakes and sequels, I believe musical theatre is best staying well away from these pitfalls and instead focusing on the creativity and originality that it is known for— and that this production sorely lacks.