Originally published in Edition One (2023).
Birthday Parties Ruined by US Government’s New Fear of Balloons
The United States government has been rattled after an eventful week of unidentified balloons drifting into American airspace. After downing these objects, the US Air Force have decided they’re better safe than sorry, announcing new proactive measures to take out balloons before they get off the ground.
Sandra Dee, a mother from Chicago, told Farrago that her son’s 5th birthday was absolutely ruined by a $400,000 USD missile launching into the balloon gate she’d set up in her backyard. “They even took out the balloon animals,” said Dee. “The clown was absolutely devastated.”
Demand Soars for Deals with the Devil in Exchange for Taylor Swift Tickets
Satan has applied for his first ever leave of absence after being overrun with Taylor Swift fans desperate to sell their souls in exchange for concert tickets, after missing out in the Ticketmaster debacle. “I thought I knew hell,” said Satan. “Then I met Swifties.”
Juvenal, head of Farrago’s Limbo office, spoke to some demons about their thoughts on the influx of new residents.
“Yeah it’s been a crazy rush on deals recently,” said Beelzebub while sticking a hot poker into a Lehman Brothers executive who helped cause the GFC. “We can’t even keep up with demand. There’s also only a certain number of seats in the stadium to begin with. We’ve had to start offering general admission in exchange for souls and people are still taking it. It’s not like we can magically make more seats, we’re not miracle workers. You’d have to go upstairs for that.”
Beelzebub went on to express concern about the huge influx of Swiftie souls. “I mean, these people willingly watched Cats just to see Taylor for a two minute scene. What more torture can we possibly throw at them?”