Image: "​Farrago's in-deoth feature article on union corruption", 2005.

Content Warning: Fatphobia, eating disorders

Good evening and welcome to this completely fictional series of reports, absolutely not based on any events that took place between 2003 and 2005. Hi, I’m Jocelyn, and I really don’t wanna be sued for defamation.

It all began a long time ago, 2003, in a galaxy far, far away. This galaxy contained a fictional oversized island called Australia. And on this oversized island was a fictional university known as the ‘University of Melbourne.’ What do you mean our university is also called that? That is a complete coincidence!

The University of Melbourne’s student union, known as MUSU, was having a not so great, infamously corrupt time. Coming up for reelection, MUSU’s leadership, a coalition of the Melbourne University Liberal Club and the Melbourne University Labor Club’s right-wing constituent called the ‘Student Alliance’, was growing exponentially more morally bankrupt. Fortunately for UniMelb, all that corruption was not their problem, as MUSU was controlled entirely by students. Unfortunately for UniMelb, 2003’s rigged election saw power grabs so outrageous they had to swoop in and order the entire union liquidated.

For the uninitiated, Farrago is not only produced by the University of Melbourne Student Union, but Farrago editors are voted for in the Union elections. Including rigged ones. Like, for example, the 2003 election. So where did all this union drama leave Farrago in 2004? What do you publish on the corrupt side of a crumbling union? Stories to follow.

Fashion Disaster! Union Claims Green is New Pink, Breaks Multiple Laws

July 2003

It’s election time! Preparing for MUSU’s 2003 elections, the current Student Alliance leaders have established the ‘Melbourne University Greens Club.’ Given that Student Alliance is a Liberal Club and right-wing Labor Club coalition, both of which have … different views to ‘The Greens’, you may be confused. Was it a mistake? Has the Right finally ‘seen the light’ and converted? 

Not to worry! The Melbourne University Greens Club actually has no relation to the Greens. In fact, their only purpose is to ‘promote the wearing of green clothing on campus.’ There must’ve been a tiny miscommunication on this agenda, however, as judging from their campaign posters, the Greens Club graphic designers didn’t get the memo.

Okay, looking at that campaign poster, maybe a slightly bigger than tiny miscommunication. But I’m sure there’s some sort of upstanding, reasonable explanation. I mean, the Greens Club could be a mirage to trick actual Greens voters into voting for the Student Alliance, but surely not. That would be illegal! Wait, did Farrago just publish an article saying that Student Alliance is rigging the election?

Disgraced Union Leader Finds New Passion ... Rage Blogging!

January 2004

When not making up clubs, Student Alliance’s leaders spend their free time embezzling millions of dollars! While the University of Melbourne didn’t really care about Student Alliance’s blatantly illegal politics, the stealing from MUSU did ruffle their feathers. Especially with all the bad press the corruption was getting! People seem to think the Melbourne University Student Union being a cesspit reflects badly on university administration. Ridiculous! A university’s quality has nothing to do with their students! UniMelb was so ruffled by this, in fact, that in September 2003 they moved to liquidate MUSU entirely.

Since then, University of Melbourne’s chosen liquidator Dean McVeigh has found significant grounds to sue the hell out of the Student Alliance. $44-47 million embezzled dollars worth of grounds to be exact. The Student Alliance’s disgraced leaders have dealt with this in a number of fittingly mature ways, including a ‘Make McVeigh Pay!’ blog hosting such nuanced discussion.

Fortunately, we have the student union publication Farrago, who we can always turn to for honest and trustworthy discourse.

This Just In: Farrago is the Devil?
March 2004

UniMelb is building a new student union! A better student union! This is going to take them a year, apparently, and require a Constitutional Working Group of students to incessantly argue about it. But soon, union corruption will be a thing of the past! Huzzah! 

I know what you’re thinking: what exactly does the student union do while it’s ‘rebuilding’? Who’s in charge? Well not to worry, UniMelb did also think that. Did they necessarily think hard? Or well? No. But they did think about it. Their solution? Keep the exact same people in power. You know, the people who were just voted for in a rigged election. What could go wrong?

Nothing, according to Farrago’s new editors. In fact, Student Alliance has newly rebranded as the Go! Party, and would like everyone to just forget this whole thing. Sorry! I mean the completely unbiased Farrago editors, who also just happen to be members of Go!, would like everyone to forget the corruption scandal. Actually wasn’t it ‘the left’ that did that? Yes! New reports confirm all the embezzlement was the ‘lazy incompetent socialists’. Someone should tell the Supreme Court that.

And who will defend us from these socialists? None other than MUSU’s new leader, Rohan D’Souza! D’Souza isn’t like other corrupted politicians. He’s different. He’s special! He’s … like James Bond? Apparently?

Do you feel safer? Because you should. Also, if you’re a woman with an eating disorder, eating disorders upset men so you should really stop. The Farrago editors would also like to report- Wait! Where are you going? Don’t you wanna hear how the gays are going to get you?!

The Left Ends Corruption! (They Also Create World Peace and Cure Cancer)
March 2005

It took the University of Melbourne approximately half their estimated ‘union building’ time to actually hold elections for the Student Constitutional Working Group. But in July 2003 the voting finally took place and an atrocious powergrab occurred. Without Go!/Student Alliance changing voting regulations and making fake factions, a majority of students actually voted for non-right wing club members. What an absolute slight to democracy! At least, that’s what Farrago claims.

After the election, six months of bickering ensued, and by the end of 2004, a new student union, UMSU, began to emerge, less confidently followed by their governing body, MUSUL. The new 2005 office bearers were entirely left-wing and— with the power of socialism—they completely eliminated union corruption forever! There absolutely will not be another corruption scandal in ten years!

Now that we have left-wing editors, Farrago can actually get back to publishing student news! Wait, what is that graphic? Why is a statistical fifth of this issue about how great ‘the left’ is?

Oh no.